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Apr. 12th, 2017 09:23 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
[personal profile] summersgate
4-12-17-helpless-and-hurtin
Helpless and hurting. Another period of waiting now to see what the biopsy of the lymph gland says. They have put chemotherapy back on the table as something that might happen. I originally thought it was very unlikely, now they say it might be a possibility. I don't think "they" tell the whole truth - they don't want to alarm you ahead of time if they don't have to - it's on a need to know basis. I feel so dumb. As a complication after the surgery (which itself went well) I had an episode of very low heart rate (44 beats per minute) and felt deathly ill, dizzy and sick. They kept me at the hospital overnight. Now I will be wearing a heart monitor for the next month - more stuff hanging from my hurting chest. I have a thing called Right Bundle Branch Block (RBBB) in my heart - which they tell me isn't that bad in itself and there is nothing they can do about it. That's why I feel dumb - I don't really understand why I need to have the heart monitor. But then maybe this is one of these things that is bad - and I will find out how bad later. They just don't want to alarm me yet. But I am alarmed.

I wish I could cry - I'm crying inside but it doesn't make its way outside. Have to be brave, be stoic, don't worry others, don't let others feel sorry for you, make a joke, feel the pain, horror, sadness, grief, fear only for a moment then stuff it back inside.

But the good thing is:
I am allowed to walk all I want. Biking isn't allowed for quite a while but walking is a good exercise. I won't be able to wear my big pack with all the stuff I like to carry in case of emergency on hikes - will need to travel light instead. Actually Candy says she will carry my pack for me if I want - so there.
Can't drive for about a week, no heavy lifting (grocery bags, cat litter or dog food bags) for 2 or 3 weeks, no vacuuming (yay!), no window washing (...as if I would want to), or heavy use of that arm. It is my left arm that is involved so that is good - I should be okay for jewelry work cause I am right handed. I should rest as much as possible - time for healing now. Make the most of that - take it easy.

Date: 2017-04-12 01:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] shutterbug.livejournal.com
You can cry and you should. You don't have to be strong or stoic or brave.

Release is healthy.

And I'm glad they are having you do the heart monitor, not because they are hiding something but because they want to be sure your body isn't hiding something important to them.

Date: 2017-04-12 03:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] egg-shell.livejournal.com
Luckily I could call my sister and have a good cry this morning. I felt like I had been holding a lot in for 2 whole days.

Yes, I do want to know what's going on - seems there is so much waiting involved to finding things out!

Thanks.

Date: 2017-04-12 01:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] howlin-wolf-66.livejournal.com
Take care of you. *hugs*

Date: 2017-04-12 03:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] egg-shell.livejournal.com
Thanks - I can use a hug.

Date: 2017-04-12 03:18 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] calico-pye.livejournal.com
I hadn't realised you having such a challenging time - thinking of you xxx

Date: 2017-04-12 03:58 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] egg-shell.livejournal.com
This is becoming a terrible year! I hope it turns a corner soon.

Thanks.

Date: 2017-04-12 03:59 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] egg-shell.livejournal.com
Thanks - I welcome a hug.

Date: 2017-04-12 03:53 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thoughtsbykat.livejournal.com
Don't stuff your feelings. Let them out. I know it is easier said than done. I do it too. Take it easy and heal. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Date: 2017-04-12 04:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] egg-shell.livejournal.com
It's hard to find someone safe to let go with. My husband is great in many, many ways but like most men he wants to fix the hurt - and with this there is nothing he can fix. Women friends are very necessary in times like this.

Thanks.

Date: 2017-04-12 05:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] thoughtsbykat.livejournal.com
Call your sister I am sure she'll be supportive. It's good to have girlfriends to lend an ear.

Date: 2017-04-12 04:51 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] rosegardenfae.livejournal.com

Support yourself in every way you can think of. Cry, wail, moan, sing, chant.  Eat well. Stay away from sugar. Cancer feeds on sugar. Spend as much time as you can outside, you always seem happy there. Question your doctors constantly, and research alternative medicines to support your body mind during this time. Remember you are strong and well loved by many. HUGS...

Date: 2017-04-13 01:06 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] egg-shell.livejournal.com
Thanks for that about the sugar. I love sugar and (still) eat too much, even though I have cut down drastically over the years. Good to keep in mind. I have had a glass of wine most every evening for the last 6 years or so to help me relax and I see that alcohol is a big factor in getting breast cancer. I was surprised at that. That is now gone from my life.

Date: 2017-04-12 05:45 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] lifeinroseland.livejournal.com
I have difficulty crying, too. Until it finally comes (but not always). Recently it happened when I was watching something sad! That helped me a lot & I wished for another episode like that. I hope you find a way to cry it out. It's a natural painkiller.

Xoxo

Date: 2017-04-13 01:09 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] egg-shell.livejournal.com
I count a movie as a "good movie" if it makes me cry - (and laugh).

Someone told me to get the movie called The Hollars and I saw Dave watching it yesterday. I didn't watch it yet. It looked like there would be a good cry in it.

Date: 2017-04-12 05:55 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] puddleshark.livejournal.com
All my best wishes - do take care of yourself.

It must be hard not to worry too much about the heart monitor on top of everything else. But I'm sure it's just the doctors being one hundred per cent thorough.

Date: 2017-04-13 01:14 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] egg-shell.livejournal.com
Thank you.

I am a worrier and it is hard to not grab onto this and run with it too.

Date: 2017-04-12 08:05 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] asakiyume.livejournal.com
I'm so sorry there's been all this anxiety-producing stuff :( I know cancer itself is anxiety producing, but it's awful to have thought chemo was unlikely and now to be told maybe it will happen, and to have had the low heart rate after the surgery, and to be walking around with a heart monitor for a hard-to-understand condition.

I hope the weather is good and you can take lots of time in the woods. The trees and the ground can be very compassionate in their aloofness.

And I hope for no more disquieting surprises on your treatment journey.

((hugs))

Date: 2017-04-13 01:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] egg-shell.livejournal.com
Thank you.

That is one good thing! Spring is coming and it will be easier to be outside. Nature is healing!

Date: 2017-04-13 12:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mallorys-camera.livejournal.com
I am so, so sorry that you feel so low. This time will pass. Sending you many good thoughts.

Date: 2017-04-13 01:16 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] egg-shell.livejournal.com
Thanks. It goes up and down.

It seems when a new thing is revealed I have to process it and get used to it - then another thing comes along and I have to accept that!

Date: 2017-04-13 01:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] polkaroo.livejournal.com
I'm sorry you're going through this. I've had alot of cancer experience in my family and I hear your frustration, have experienced it.... the waiting the wondering... the feeling like you're missing do methinks left unsaid but that you should get.

Big hugs.

Date: 2017-04-13 01:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] egg-shell.livejournal.com
Thanks. I try to think of others going through this, and that others have - I will too!

Thanks for the hug.

Date: 2017-04-13 03:16 am (UTC)
gracegiver: (Default)
From: [personal profile] gracegiver
Hey love - I wonder if there's a group, a support group of some kind, online or in RL, of other women in a similar situation. No one really knows what you're experiencing, except other women who are dealing with the same thing you are.

Your drawing this morning - broke my heart. Not because of what I saw but rather because of your bravery. And honesty.

Date: 2017-04-13 01:20 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] egg-shell.livejournal.com
I told the hospital social worker I was open to being contacted by the cancer society and even before I got home, while in the car coming in the driveway someone called my cellphone. I wasn't ready to talk then - too much coming at me - but I think I will call the number they gave me today. I feel more ready to hear things "about cancer" today.

Thanks...

Date: 2017-04-13 08:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kabuldur.livejournal.com
Glad to see you back, and yes, rest all you need. If you feel you need to be stoic in front of family, then you can always vent on here. I think we are all here for you - I am, at least. I'm sure you have some women friends in RL who will be great listeners and shoulders to cry on, too.

Well, at least some of the things you can't do are a blessing in disguise :)

They say exercise is good for you, so when you feel up to it...And walking out in nature is so healing, too.

(((Gentle hugs)))

Date: 2017-04-13 01:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] egg-shell.livejournal.com
Thanks - have to look at the good in the bad! It might be nice to be pampered.

I am lucky to have a few good RL friends who are good listeners - and a sister - very lucky that way.

Date: 2017-04-14 09:44 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kabuldur.livejournal.com
Enjoy any pampering you might get! And kind deeds and helping hands and shoulders to cry on - which I see you have made use of already, and that's good.

Date: 2017-04-13 10:30 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dementiadaughtr.livejournal.com

I have to agree with everyone's concern for you on here. It's time for you to take care of all things Mary. You are so deserving of all this support and well wishes, not to mention all the hugs.

More hugs from MnH

Date: 2017-04-13 01:23 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] egg-shell.livejournal.com
Thanks, Mary.

Date: 2017-04-13 11:13 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wuweibaby.livejournal.com
Sending peaceful thoughts your way <3

Date: 2017-04-13 01:24 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] egg-shell.livejournal.com
Thank you - the support I am getting from LJ friends is very meaningful to me, even if I never get to meet you in person.

Date: 2017-04-14 06:47 am (UTC)
From: (Anonymous)
So very glad that the surgery went well for you and very much hope that your recovery will be the same. So glad too that you have family and friends around you who will be supportive in the everyday things which, themselves, help in our recovery. Sorry about posting anonymously but wanted to convey my well-wishes. Best always, Olbuksings...

Date: 2017-04-14 01:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] egg-shell.livejournal.com
Thank you. Hope you are doing well too.

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