ace of cups

Apr. 6th, 2017 07:23 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
The ace of cups, beginning of emotion, the start of feeling, the sprouting of compassion, breaking through of love, an offering of heightened affection. My meditation reading this morning was on self-love and I was thinking about how we hear all the time that we have to love ourselves before we can love others. If I can't forgive myself (a person who I know intimately) then how can I expect to forgive others? We all need forgiven together.

I feel like the news I got at the oncologist yesterday was "good news". If a person has to have breast cancer then I've got the best kind. It's small, it can be helped with hormone therapy and so far it appears not to have spread to the lymph glands - they will know more about that after the operation. I'm active and pretty healthy to start with and it might be a good thing that I'm a little overweight - the loss of some breast tissue won't be as noticeable. The operation is this coming Monday. I will have 3 weeks to heal from that before I start the radiation. Radiation will happen 5 days a week (Monday through Friday) for 4 to 6 weeks. Then I will start hormone therapy - taking a pill once a day for 5 years.

Something I want to do - start writing my food down as I eat it - just to be more aware. For a while there I lost my appetite and when I did eat I wasn't eating very much but the food I was eating wasn't very good for me - too much sweets and high in fat. I want to make a little book that I can carry with me to keep track of my food. But then I think I will need to make a little crocheted bag to carry it - so now this has become an arts/crafts project too.

I don't understand why everyone is so upset that LJ has asked us to sign a new user agreement. Everywhere you go you have to sign user agreements. And then as years go by you have to re-sign them. Maybe I'm missing something but I don't understand what the big problem is. I'm not going anywhere. I wish others weren't. I like to read the people on my friend's list and I don't want to have to go to multiple other places to do that - I won't go to multiple blogging platforms to read - I'm too lazy to do that. I certainly won't go to FB to do my writing - what I like to write about isn't appropriate for that place. Oh well...
summersgate: (eggshells)
A page I did this morning in a book that I share with Mary in Houston.

I do a page spread, send it to her and then she does the same and sends it back to me. I can finally send it back to her. I've had it in my keeping for nearly 3 years. The thing is, if I don't do something right away and send it back right away, as time goes on I feel like what I do will need to be better and better the longer I have it. After three years the art that I put in it (to my mind) will need to be something incredibly wonderful - and I doubt I can do something incredibly wonderful - so I am stuck. But I decided today - just do it. Do whatever is on my mind today - no matter how simple.

I know I am a visual person. That's why I love maps. I love to match the image with the reality of things. Or use images to understand reality. I need (want) to do more art, more drawings, do more art therapy. Back in January when I was doing art-a-day I felt so good. I need to get myself sorted again.


Feb. 5th, 2017 11:43 am
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Just a sketch this morning of a pattern I saw. It was from a piece of cloth that had peace signs on it but I couldn't help seeing a distressed face there instead.

On another subject - I saw this etsy artist and love her work. I want to find a way to use fabric as a collage element somewhat the way she does. Fabric prints are so rich in color and texture. Golden Soft Gel Matte Medium is a wonderful thing - I think I will try painting the cloth with that first to stabilize it (so it won't fray when it is cut) and then cut it to shape after that. See if that will work.

Other than that - no real plans for the day. I have a ring that someone wants me to fix (the turquoise stones are crumbling) which I have been avoiding. But I bought the 5 minute epoxy for that yesterday and have no reason to not proceed.

I think I am getting burned out with all the requests I get to be active - to write letters, share things on facebook (not going to do that), sign petitions, call people. Maybe if I could just choose one cause to concentrate on and shut all the others out? Everyday, all day long I am getting emails telling me I should do something or other. They are all good causes! But I wouldn't have time to live my own life if I did them all - it would keep me busy all day long - plus, I imagine I would start to get even more requests for action if I did that. I feel like this is what Trump wants - to wear us down on all the fronts he is making his stupid rulings on. Though I haven't really done much except sign petitions at this point. It is the constant requests (for urgent action!!!) that makes me want to just skip them all. Then I feel bad. I need to do something - resolve my desire to be of help with how much help I can realistically give. As it is now I am just running away while throwing a few petition signings at them. This is what made me shut down during the time of the election - so many requests from the democrats to DO SOMETHING. I shut down at that time too, finally, and turned off all the emails I was getting from them. Dave is lucky - we share an email address but I act as our secretary and send only the things he needs to deal with over to his box. He never has to see all this stuff. But he is the one who reads the news online and other places. He is exposed to all that. I can't take it.
summersgate: (eggshells)
I'd like to do art in the morning but lately I just feel empty.

Yesterday Dave and I took Andy for a walk on the North Country Trail near Route 66. We had walked it from one direction last summer but never got to this point, and then we had walked from the other direction and not got there either so we thought if we walked in from a closer parking area it might be easier to reach. It was. Two photos. )


Jan. 15th, 2017 08:45 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
Drawing of a made-up map - not of anything for sure but kind of patterned after the trail to the the Kennerdell lookout in the Clear Creek Forest Kennerdell Tract. I love maps. If I was to choose a nickname for myself it would be "Maps". Dave and I are taking Andy for a walk somewhere today - not sure where yet. I got out my map folder to show him some possible places with trails and we looked through it early this morning.

Yesterday afternoon we (me, Johnny, Jules and his kids) went to the remodeled Iris theater in Cochranton to see Doctor Strange. The Iris is a theater that used to be run by a old couple - they only showed PG13 or lower movies and it was cheap. It was a fixture of the community for 70 years but as they got too old to run it it finally closed. A church in the area took it under their wing and remodeled it and now it is reopened. It has a coffee shop in the front that is open all day long and the theater in the back. It looks like it is succeeding to give young people a place to go. I liked the movie - though usually I'm not into super hero movies at all. There were lots of Tibetan scenes and psychedelic magic, and Benedict Cumberbatch as the hero and Mads Mikkelsen as the villain made it fun to watch. Plus I think Tilda Swinton is fascinating. Afterwards we drove to Meadville and ate at the 100 Item Buffet. The 2 TV's on the wall played a loop of film showing a mini documentary of pandas. It was fun to watch. Two things in one day that were fun to watch.
summersgate: (eggshells)
I woke up this morning from what felt like a neat dream. I was driving through town with a person who I think was my mother (not a real definite person) and came to an alley that we drove down. All of a sudden I noticed a house that I remembered I was buying. I had put a down payment on it a long time ago and then had forgotten about it. We stopped the car and I walked around the house and was looking in the windows - the house looked empty. I noticed the back door was open so I went in. There was a huge German Shepherd dog tied to a leash in the kitchen. The dog was very relaxed, looked at me and then went back to sleep. Just then the person who was selling me the house came in the back door and we were talking about the conditions of the sale. She said that everything in the house was mine but she wanted to retain the rights to "the bridge". I asked what the bridge was and she pointed out the window upwards and said it's up there but you can't see it from here. We went outside so we could see it and it was like a glowing drawing in the sky overhead. The first drawing I saw was like the one I made below, but then she changed it to a few more things. If she retained the rights to it she would be able to keep making "the bridge". I said sure - I thought it was pretty wonderful and I would even build her a gazebo out back so she and her family would have a place to sit and watch while she made the bridge. I was hoping that maybe someday she would get tired of it and she would give it to me and then I would be able to make my drawings in the sky too.


Yesterday Karen and I were talking about the writing group that meets locally (she goes regularly). The group is called The Bridge. Also the house in my dream was near the part of town that has the bridge that goes across to the bike trail and the River Ridge Farm gate. That bridge has featured lately in my dreams too. So I don't know for sure what the meaning was but I love dreams where there are big images in the sky overhead. Sometimes I dream that the stars are in new constellations and that they are moving and forming new pictures. One of my favorite kinds of dreams.
summersgate: (eggshells)
I am willing to be just another human being today - no better and no worse - just another.

It's funny how time passes differently when you are drawing. I'm measuring my time with candles now as I do my morning meditations and when I am reading and writing time goes slowly - I look up and the candle has barely gone down. But once I start to draw my picture outer time speeds up and when I look up again when I'm done the candle's always gone.

I'm still messing around with my old LJ's from years past. Collecting the info using Blogbooker but then after I get it I'm working on it in Word and reducing the size of the photos and changing some text as I'm getting it ready for printing later. But it's not going well. It seems that my laptop can't handle all this info. Keeps crashing. Johnny looked at it last night and recommends that I get a bigger hard drive since my old one (500GB) is nearly topped off. That will arrive next Tuesday. If that isn't the problem then I could try to install a new Word program. My version is very old - it came with Office 2000. I looked at the new version in Johnny's computer and it looks confusing and I'm sure I would have a hard time learning it but if that's what needs done I'm willing to do it. Doing stuff like this - fooling around with writing and pictures and being able to print things is what I love to do.

Today the plan is to meet Karen for lunch, then later come home and get Johnny and we are going out to Jo-Ann's and get some fabric adhesive for some chairs he wants to fix. Also I want to keep in mind that I have 2 jobs to do - a keyring/pendant for MnH, and a handmade book for a repeat customer. This customer wants me to make her a new journal book every year. I don't tell her that I'm really not doing handmade books anymore and just get out the stuff and do it. Sometimes I have to search the basement a while to find the materials for it.

The sun just now broke through the clouds - looks like it's going to be a dry day today. I hope.
summersgate: (eggshells)
Lunch with Nancy [personal profile] kyana today - a long time since I have seen her. Holiday visits and medical stuff and her taking a trip to Washington got in the way.

I was voicing to Nancy not feeling worthy to write on LJ lately - not knowing what to write - who to write it for. But as usual I do came back to the truth for me - which is I write it for myself first of all. And I really do like being a part of this social network. I only skim the surface of facebook - kind of like it is my duty to look at it every once in a while so I can "like" things and be supportive - but my real home is here on LJ.

Trying to teach Andy to "roll over". It is tough on me cause he wants to get involved in holding on to me (biting me) while I turn him over. I do have confidence that he will get it eventually though. It was easier to teach Tenzing that trick cause he was smaller and easier to roll over - Andy is big and lanky.

The creeks and river are very high. So much rain right now.

Hazel went to a club for her very first time tonight with a girlfriend and her mother. It is a LGBT friendly club and sounds like fun. It's called the Cruze Bar in Pittsburgh and they have college night on Thursday nights for kids under 21 who can't drink. My main concern of course is that she is safe. I'm glad the mother of the friend is going too.

I made lentil soup tonight and the vegan folks from next door have just arrived to eat some...


Jan. 8th, 2017 09:20 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
I started out drawing a picture of Skye sleeping on the table in front of me but that wasn't going very well cause as she was sleeping she was moving - her head was falling off the edge of the table and the angle of everything was changing. I quit. Then thought maybe I could add something to the drawing and found a tarot card. It was a card of summer and showed roses with twining vines and thorns. So maybe Skye is dreaming of summer. I am. I am suddenly very tired of winter! It has gone on long enough as far as I'm concerned. Maybe that's cause I haven't been getting out in it. Just staying inside a lot. It's 10 F right now but with a wind chill of -4. 10 degrees is when the hair in your nose freezes as you breathe. It looks nice out cause we have a little sun today but the temps don't make me want to go out and walk around that much. Oh well.

I have been enjoying printing off the year 2007 of my LJ journal. As I print I reread and reminisce. In 10 years lots has changed. The grandkids have grown up a lot in 10 years time. Rossy was only 3! It was just after dad's death and we were getting ready to move into mom's house. There were many pictures of mom looking alert and smiling. I see the kind of jewelry I was designing then and it gives me ideas for the future. Kathy and I flew to California to see our cousins and Aunt Rene. It was also the year our art group traveled to New York City. It was the year too that Jules got divorced and he and the grandboys came to live with us. I had the attack of pancreatitis and had my gallbladder removed that year too. Looking at these old memories is a good winter activity.


Jan. 7th, 2017 08:33 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
A laughing fish. The child is annoyed at the fish laughing at them. It's all about me - or I can make anything be about me - especially if I'm the one drawing it. So I'm going to see this drawing as saying that this printing project (something I do love - that's why it appears in the tarot cup) is laughing at my innocence in wanting to do it. I might need to turn it over to a professional printer and pay the costs if I really want to do it. I didn't know why I put that compass there when I drew it but maybe it is encouraging me to stay on course.

Spirals in my brain.
Casting out.
Pulling in.
Trying to stay centered and calm.

What's funny is a few days ago I didn't even know I wanted to do this and now I am obsessed with it. Might be the time of year too. I see I have done things like this (try to get my past in order) in January and February before.


Jan. 6th, 2017 10:40 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
The card I looked at today featured a sylph. Invisible creature of the air. Made of air. Light and above it all.

I got up late today. Both Dave and I slept in. Usually I get up around 5 or 6, while Dave is still sleeping, go out into the dark of the kitchen with a flashlight (don't want to wake Dave or Andy yet) and start the coffee pot, come back to my room with my coffee and do my morning meditations with a small table light and a candle burning. This morning I got up (the sun was shining) and started the coffee pot but then went outside and filled the bird feeders, and the suet feeders. There is a fresh coat of thin snow on everything. I was wearing sandals and my feet were touched by the cold snow. A bright clean world today.

I dreamed last night about a place near town that only exists in my dreams. You go across a bridge and on the other side of the river is a wide grassy expanse and then you walk back towards the hills to a stream that you follow into the hills. It is always beautiful there with huge boulders and fields, winding streams, paths to follow and it finally leads to a lake shore. I usually go by myself to this place but in the dream I was taking Dave there for the first time. I was wearing my green pajamas (that I actually was wearing while I was sleeping) and was a little embarrassed when we came to a mansion house where a lot of people were gathered. They were there to fix it up and restore it. They didn't pay much attention to us. We were exploring the building and there were narrow hallways and stairways that you could hardly get through and building materials stacked all over the place. Someone that I used to go to school with (a popular girl I never liked much) had shoes that she was giving away and offered me a pair but I said I already had shoes - didn't need any - give them to someone who really did need them.

I woke up feeling good. I love dreams where I go to this place. It is always summer and "the golden hour" there. I'm sure I am feeling better now that Dave's biopsy is over, even though he won't get the results for 7 to 10 days. I am choosing to believe everything is fine and that this was just a test that will confirm that. If we find out later that it isn't, then it will be time to deal with that then.


Jan. 5th, 2017 06:05 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
Just a little drawing this morning to help me remember to be kinder and more patient with Andy. I have lost my temper a few times lately - especially with him running after the cats. That does not help at all (my losing my temper). Like when he was jumping up and biting on the leash and we yelled at him for that (he got worse and more excited) - this is happening with him wanting to chase the cats right now too. I find being a calm and stable person very hard sometimes.

Dave is having a medical procedure done today. That seems to be looming over us. I hope all goes well.


Jan. 4th, 2017 09:16 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
The card I got today was the Medicine Woman card from the American Indian tarot. A woman kneeling down and harvesting plants. But I changed it and had my woman planting plants - a gardener. A person beautifying the edges of a path. Something pleasant to look at and appreciate for passersby. Maybe that is what I try to do with the jewelry.

Had a couple dreams I can remember a little of. In one I had gone back to work at Polk and was working with a young very dedicated person. We went out on bedcheck and I was just looking at the people to see if they were sleeping or not (to change their diaper if they were awake) but she was checking everyone's diaper, sleeping or not. She found a lot more to do than I did so then I went back to help her change the diapers she had found. She made me feel like nothing I was doing was right - I was inadequate. Then I had another dream where Jill was giving me a bunch of narcotics that she didn't want anymore. I was going to give them to someone I knew that needed them. Mom and dad were there and questioning if it was a good idea for me to have narcotics in hand. I said it's okay - I don't have a problem with narcotics - I just have problem with food. But then Jill was showing me something on one of the bottles and it started to leak. Rather than let the liquid be wasted and lost I was drinking it all up - even though I really didn't want it. I was wondering if I should call in sick to work then cause it wouldn't be a good idea to drive (high on narcotics). My main thought when I woke up was - maybe I don't have a problem with food (or narcotics) - I have a problem with "waste". Don't want to see things wasted. Don't want to put things down and save them for later. Don't have faith that they will be there again someday. Feel it is my responsibility to put them in my body so they won't go to waste. The answer all comes back to balance and staying centered - not to be controlled by the fear of "waste" but be guided by my actual bodily needs.

Yesterday I made some really good potato/seafood soup. A big pot of it. Which will need (? - it has a need?) to be eaten now. Dave and Johnny also got all the stuff for sauerkraut so they will be eating that. The potato soup will be my responsibility. I'm thinking it is odd that I can get so concerned for the lonesome foods and my responsibility to them that they won't be wasted. Part of that is being a child of parents who went through the depression - waste not, want not. Wasting is a terrible sin.

Though - I get some of my best feelings from throwing old foods away. Looking at the dates on them (or the condition of them in the fridge) and knowing it is the right thing to get rid of them. My responsibility to them is over. Food can be such a burden.

On another subject - the sun just came out for a few moments after all the rain we have been having and I was able to catch it:
Not shining now though...
summersgate: (eggshells)
The card I got today was entitled "Crossroads" but the picture on it reminded me of how it looks down in our backyard - the little hills and gullies, trails leading randomly through the woods, open places and thick woods intermingled. So I decided to try and recreate a map of what it is like over the hill (the walk to the creek and to the lake). After I was done drawing I knew it wasn't quite right but I would need an overlay of an actual map to do it right I suppose. My memory and experiences make some things more prominent. I put a star where I stand to take the photo looking up the creek and I drew in Grandmother Sycamore as a special larger tree. Interesting that the collage image of the old man and the little kid was there on the page already. My dad (though he didn't look like that old man) took me for a walk to the creek nearly every single day when I was a kid. It was just something we did. We took Trixy along too. I can still smell the smell of the rusty chain on my hands from his leash. It was the most wonderful time. Walking, talking, me asking questions - though my dad had a way of asking me questions that made me think deeply, made me feel like maybe I could figure things out too if I just looked closely enough at things and studied them. Usually we followed the same basic path but that was not set and there were many deviations into the woods on each side. But the main thing was we would go down and see the creek. That was how we talked about it - do you want to go down and see the creek now? It was the highlight of my day.
summersgate: (eggshells)
The card I looked at called this a garden but I want to call it a maze - with a weird confusing statue in the middle. I dreamed last night that I was stuck down in the basement and trying to get upstairs. In place of a stairway was a set of shelves with knickknacks all over them. The lower ones had handles so you could use them for climbing but the upper ones didn't. I started up but found I couldn't continue and gave up. Stuck. Then I decided to just go outside, walk around the house and get upstairs that way. Problem solved (in the dream) - leave the problem. I can make it be so complicated and difficult sometimes...
summersgate: (eggshells)
Because I am a mainly a morning writer I think I write about different things than a lot of the writing I see here on LJ. I don't have a day to recount - I have dreams and feelings that have come up during the night to deal with and put in their proper place. Many times I wake up weighed down with doom and helplessness. It is during my morning meditation time that I try to get back to or reach a place of hope and balance that I can carry with me through the day.

The card is from the Paulina tarot deck. Perhaps I will see this as a reminder to concentrate on being a good partner today.

It snowed all day yesterday - off and on. I never did get out for a walk - I had an urge to go to Two Mile Run but that frittered away as the day went on. Rossy was over here and he and Johnny were playing video games together and I didn't want to break that up. Dave took Andy hunting. I wish I could drive my car in the snow but I don't feel safe with it anymore. A couple times so far this winter I have had it stuck in the driveway. Something happened to the transmission during the summer and it has no 4 wheel drive anymore. We have an appointment to have it looked at on Jan 10th. Dave says he will drive me in the truck if I want to go somewhere today. I would like to get some fat quarters and lots of cheap rice so I can make the microwave heating pads.

Last night Johnny and I made 2 versions of tacos - venison and veggie burger - and then invited Jules and his boys over. It was nice to have everyone here for that. Andy entertained us with his tricks.

The snow is picking up. Looking whiter and whiter out there as the morning goes on.
summersgate: (eggshells)
I wrote about the tarot cards and my drawing earlier but just at the moment I went to post it a blob of snow must have fallen into an important area of the satellite disc and I lost it.

This morning I used the Transparent Tarot deck - a deck I really like a lot. You can layer the cards and get meanings from them interacting with each other.

My drawing. I see it as letting go of the past and the future. Standing on the wreckage of the past and letting the ethereal future float on by, while staying centered in the present moment. Something I need to remind myself to do constantly.

We woke up to a winter wonderland this morning. It's already starting to melt a bit. I did get out to the mailbox - had a package I wanted to make sure the mailman got. Now I have very few plans for my day. Shower, work on some enameling, get out again for another walk in the snow.


Dec. 28th, 2016 08:43 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
Five of Swords - the Druid Craft tarot deck. This is the second time I have got this particular card in less than a week - got it last Friday too. I just don't like this card much. Don't like the image of a man winning (taking everything) and looking smug while his vanquished opponent has to walk away dejectedly with nothing. I don't know how to apply this to myself. I tend to relate to the vanquished one on the card, not the winner. Maybe I need to see my dislike of this kind of winner as my message to be a kinder person today. Not let someone else have to go away in a dejected state. I have no idea how to relate to my drawing of the eye and the swords. Don't know what it is saying. Not sure why I drew it that way. Uninspired.

Last night Andy got a pillow and chewed it while we weren't looking. I would have thrown the pillow away but Dave sewed the tear in the pillow so it wouldn't get any worse - I just think it was funny how he did it. I would have tried to hide the "bite" not accentuate it.


Looking forward to getting out and taking a walk with Jan today. My walking/hiking has really fallen by the wayside lately. Looks like most all the snow has melted - maybe we can walk in the woods too.
summersgate: (eggshells)
Today I used this mini tarot deck. It is so tiny you really can't see the images without a magnifying glass (at least I can't). But the book has the images larger so you can look them up there if you can just figure out what they are supposed to be. Today it is The Moon.

My drawing. Kind of generic. An owl flies in. There are 2 branches. 5 stars. I was thinking this morning that we only have 5 more days of 2016. The bad part of 2016 was all this stupid political stuff and the fear for our future that I have now. But personally my own year was good. I got out for lots of outdoor stuff and got that mosaic done that had been weighing on me. Dave discovered that he has macular degeneration - not a good year there. We got Andy - good and bad there but now I would say it has worked out well and it is good and getting better all the time.

Still thinking about how to get my life into balance. Yesterday my food was good - I left the pile of cookies and candy on the counter alone. But I crocheted nearly ALL DAY. I will burn out soon with crochet and never get this blanket done if I keep it up at that pace. I did take a little break to drive out to Two Mile Run. Johnny and I were going to go for a hike but by the time we got there it was raining really hard and we gave up. Ideally I want to have varied days with lots of things happening - outings, work on jewelry, time with people, cleaning and organizing, cooking healthy meals. I have to guide and control my "all or nothing" personality somehow. Of course thinking about it right now, each morning, and planning my day is a good way to do that.


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