thursday

Apr. 13th, 2017 07:48 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
4-13-17-tree-life
I see a tree that has been damaged, splitting, cracking apart but still alive and bursting with life. Spring is happening.

I had a headache most of yesterday and felt fuzzy. My tinnitus was extra loud. But in it's own way it was a good day with lots of talking to friends, lots of crying, which was just what I needed. Getting used to life as it is. Hazel drove me to the store for some shopping and carried the groceries in for me. I made progress on the crocheted baby blanket. Watched episodes of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt - good silliness. Dave swept off the front porch and back porch and made them nice. He mowed the back yard for the first time this year too. I ate my supper out back at the picnic table. We (Dave and I, Hazel and Rossy) walked Andy down to the creek and threw his ball with the ball thrower in the lower yard. Hazel has got a great throwing arm - I think cause she is so tall - and Andy got a really good work out. He loves to chase the ball.

Tomorrow Johnny and Alison and Chloe and Mike are coming for a visit. Chloe wants me to show her some new hiking trails where she can take her ARC clients. I think we will show her the trail to Rainbow Rocks - it will be a relatively easy walk that her clients can handle. Mike and Dave are going fishing.

It looks like it's going to be a beautiful day today. I have a big pot with a passionflower vine in it. I might have killed it with neglect over the winter but I want to get it planted outside soon - there might still be hope for it. I won't be able to lift it myself but I bet I can get a grandkid to help me. I am not very good with most houseplants, except succulents. I think the passionflower will have better luck outside, even with our winters - they can withstand some freezing.

I have had a dreamwidth account since 2010 but I only use it to back up my LJ now and then and never post there. The last time I backed it up was in 2012 but I am backing it up today. I have a different name there: Summersgate. https://summersgate.dreamwidth.org/ I don't want to leave LJ and don't plan to leave but just in case something happens to LJ I will be covered. I will still be posting my entries on LJ.

processing

Apr. 12th, 2017 09:23 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
4-12-17-helpless-and-hurtin
Helpless and hurting. Another period of waiting now to see what the biopsy of the lymph gland says. They have put chemotherapy back on the table as something that might happen. I originally thought it was very unlikely, now they say it might be a possibility. I don't think "they" tell the whole truth - they don't want to alarm you ahead of time if they don't have to - it's on a need to know basis. I feel so dumb. As a complication after the surgery (which itself went well) I had an episode of very low heart rate (44 beats per minute) and felt deathly ill, dizzy and sick. They kept me at the hospital overnight. Now I will be wearing a heart monitor for the next month - more stuff hanging from my hurting chest. I have a thing called Right Bundle Branch Block (RBBB) in my heart - which they tell me isn't that bad in itself and there is nothing they can do about it. That's why I feel dumb - I don't really understand why I need to have the heart monitor. But then maybe this is one of these things that is bad - and I will find out how bad later. They just don't want to alarm me yet. But I am alarmed.

I wish I could cry - I'm crying inside but it doesn't make its way outside. Have to be brave, be stoic, don't worry others, don't let others feel sorry for you, make a joke, feel the pain, horror, sadness, grief, fear only for a moment then stuff it back inside.

But the good thing is:
I am allowed to walk all I want. Biking isn't allowed for quite a while but walking is a good exercise. I won't be able to wear my big pack with all the stuff I like to carry in case of emergency on hikes - will need to travel light instead. Actually Candy says she will carry my pack for me if I want - so there.
Can't drive for about a week, no heavy lifting (grocery bags, cat litter or dog food bags) for 2 or 3 weeks, no vacuuming (yay!), no window washing (...as if I would want to), or heavy use of that arm. It is my left arm that is involved so that is good - I should be okay for jewelry work cause I am right handed. I should rest as much as possible - time for healing now. Make the most of that - take it easy.
summersgate: (eggshells)
4-2-17-mask-6inch
Trying to sort my feelings and thoughts and this drawing of a masked person came out. It actually looks like Bruce's girlfriend now that I've draw it - me wearing a mask of her. Not what I intended when I first drew it but now that is what it looks like. I find art therapy fascinating - it is like seeing dreams that come out of another area of our unconscious.

I can see that physically I'm slipping - my heart was pounding a lot of the time yesterday. Drinking coffee probably didn't help. Today after my morning coffee I'm switching to tea and decaf drinks. The visual migraine last night is a major alert to me that I am repressing emotions. I want to just be calm and accepting and hopeful. That is my goal but I'm not there.

The dawning is beautiful outside my window. Pale pearly fog. Pink sky. Frost on the grass.

I hope Dave and I can take Andy for a run today. Rainbow Rocks would be nice - or somewhere like that. It would be nice to SEE things and take note of nature, expend energy in a good way and get out of my head.
summersgate: (eggshells)
3-18-17-stand-still-w-every
A page I did this morning in a book that I share with Mary in Houston.

I do a page spread, send it to her and then she does the same and sends it back to me. I can finally send it back to her. I've had it in my keeping for nearly 3 years. The thing is, if I don't do something right away and send it back right away, as time goes on I feel like what I do will need to be better and better the longer I have it. After three years the art that I put in it (to my mind) will need to be something incredibly wonderful - and I doubt I can do something incredibly wonderful - so I am stuck. But I decided today - just do it. Do whatever is on my mind today - no matter how simple.

I know I am a visual person. That's why I love maps. I love to match the image with the reality of things. Or use images to understand reality. I need (want) to do more art, more drawings, do more art therapy. Back in January when I was doing art-a-day I felt so good. I need to get myself sorted again.

wednesday

Dec. 7th, 2016 07:40 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
12-7-16-XIX-the-Sun-mine
The Sun - my version. It looked to me after I drew it that the flowers were telling the Sun their problems and the Sun was patiently listening to them. Maybe I need to work more at being a listener. Or maybe I need to talk to someone instead of holding things inside me?

Here is the card that inspired my drawing - not much like it really:
12-7-16-XIX-the-Sun
XIX - The Sun from the Mystic Dreamer Tarot deck.

I dreamed last night about little things living in the dark on rotten potatoes. The potatoes weren't supposed to be rotten but they were. The little creatures were like mice or something else small. I knew it wasn't a healthy environment for them but after looking in and checking on them I closed the lid on the box anyway. Then I felt guilty.

Anyway... It looks like it might be a nice day today. I should try and get out. Yesterday was a day of rain all day long but some sun is predicted for later today. It would be a shame to waste it.
summersgate: (eggshells)
11-26-16-mouthful-of-snakes
This was inspired by an image in the New Orleans Voodoo Tarot deck. Its card had an angry sea monster devouring a mouthful of snakes. When I drew it though it became something more like a mother snake holding baby snakes - perhaps carrying them to safety. At least that is how I see it when I look at it now. I got myself worked into a bad mood last night and am looking for ways to see things more realistically today. So I welcome the idea of a higher, kinder level of thought taking control of lower versions of the same thing (petty negative thoughts) and taking them away.

What would having a mouthful of snakes feel like?

Anyway...
Here's a couple photos I took yesterday while Dave, Chloe, Mike and I were taking a walk in the woods. )

wednesday

Oct. 26th, 2016 10:48 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
Skye-sleeping-10-26-16
This is what happens when I leave an area alone for a few months - it becomes Skye's territory. One of these days I would like to start enameling again and I will need to do a thorough clean up anyway so I'm not worried.

I got my new glasses yesterday. Not sure I like them though. I think I need a stronger bifocal - darn. I guess I am going to need to go back and see if they will remake them.

Dave has been taking Andy hunting most every day. Things are going well (even though he hasn't gotten any more birds). I'm so glad Dave is now able to get Andy out and do things in the woods with him.

2500StormWindow-best3x3
"Storm Window" earrings - all sterling. Listing HERE

Sunshine today. Cold - we had a freeze last night. Going to go out to lunch with Nancy today - a good day to get out.

~
Thoughts early this morning...
Is it my age? Or what? But when I wake up the first thing going through my mind most days is dread and doom. Not even sure where it comes from but there is an undercurrent that is always there waiting. Before the daytime thoughts rush in to fill the spot there is a dark river of gloom flowing. Thank goodness for the light of day. I want to DO something creative - I feel like that might *fix* me. Something needs expressing.

friday

Sep. 9th, 2016 08:24 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
I spent most all day yesterday in the basement painting glaze on what I (once again) hope will be the last of the mosaic parts. Soon I will go down there and load the kiln and maybe by tonight I will be able to see how they turned out. It will be fun to take photos of all the pretties if they succeed.

I also want to go see the opening of the art show at the Graffiti Galley in Oil City tonight - my book will be in it and I'm curious to see the other art people have entered on the theme of healing.

I didn't get outside at all yesterday. Very hot day and in the evening we had a big storm - the lights were flickering.

It looks damp outside at the moment but the weatherman doesn't predict any more rain this morning.

Yesterday they reopened the bridge up the road from us. Since June first it has been closed. Having the detour made for a nice quiet few months. Now everything is back to normal with cars and trucks zooming by constantly. I have always found it annoying how long you might have to wait just to get across the road to get the mail. Well, I did enjoy the calm while we had it. One good thing now though is that I can take my bike back out on the little local roads. I didn't want to while the detour was happening cause there was so much more traffic on the little roads then.

sunday

Sep. 4th, 2016 08:01 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
After I wrote my entry here at 7 last night I went to bed - just felt exhausted. Slept all night. Made me wonder if I had been exposed to something - some germ - yesterday that I was fighting off. Dave felt very tired for the first couple days that he had the shingles - before we found out that he had shingles. I don't think I have shingles but I do believe there are all kinds of viruses and germs we are fighting off all the time and we don't even know what they are because we have no other symptoms than the tiredness we have from fighting them off or maybe a headache or something we can't figure out.

Dreamed this morning that I was living in my parent's old house next door with my little sister - our parents had passed on. I suddenly got the idea that I wanted to bring my brother John home from the rehab center/nursing home that he was living in. It was really far away and would take many hours to drive and get him. My sister was glad to go along and we were getting dressed and ready to go but then I remembered that we didn't have a wheelchair van anymore so there was no way to get him. Woke up sad.

Not sure who my "little sister" was in the dream. She was similar to Chloe, my daughter. Chloe is entering an art show called Heal: An Exhibition on the Journey of Healing in Oil City this weekend. She and her friend Kiyomi who is the curator were trying to get me to enter something. I thought at first I might be able to make a new artwork for it but I just didn't feel inspired. Yesterday Chloe texted me encouraging me again. So I am going to see if any of my jewelry pendants would be appropriate. Some are on the theme of healing I think. Kiyomi will be coming to a birthday party we will be having here tomorrow for Dave and Jules. I will see if she thinks that would work. Or I could clean off my art table today and see if there is anything inside me on the spur of the moment. Hmm - I just now thought of the collage book I made after John died. That might be very appropriate! Thank you John for (possibly) sending the dream.

0 book-and-milo
The book "Returning to Our Mother's Arms" and Milo. Random pictures from inside the book HERE )

mandala

Aug. 9th, 2016 09:06 pm
summersgate: (eggshells)


Struggling emotionally. Spiritually.
Watched the film, "The World Within" about Jung, over again this afternoon when I had quiet time.
Wanting to be inspired.
Reminded of mandalas as a way to know oneself better.
The title of this would be "Energy Escaping".
Sadness above.
Energy burning on the left.
Growth energy on the right.
Spiral creative energy as a base.
Arrows of energy pushing out but downward.
Energy lost.

Though I am keeping on.
Just not with much joy.

Healing is needed. Perhaps I will try to do more mandala art in the days ahead.
summersgate: (self portrait a day)
46. In what area of your life are you immature?

I have a very hard time watching suspenseful or scary things on TV or in movies. I want to up and leave the room, put the movie on pause. Dave has to tell me all the time - these are just actors - it's just a movie.

I was laying in bed early this morning - just starting to open my eyes when there was a pulse of 3 light flashes in the room. I thought it was something in my brain! I have been reading the book Hallucinations by Oliver Sacks - which is a pretty amazing subject. There are so many forms of hallucinations that people can have - things that people are capable of seeing that aren't there. I do sometimes have bright lights flash in my eyes in the dark - I thought this thing I saw this morning might be more of the same but even brighter and more elaborate. Eventually I got up and made coffee and while I was sitting at the dining table saw that we were having a thunder storm. Light flashes explained. But then I started to think about my mind and how just cause I am reading this book I interpreted the light flashes first as my own hallucination rather than the more likely explanation of lightning that I might have thought of normally. I am very impressionable.

12-27-15-journal-art
drawing self portrait this morning

doodles

Nov. 14th, 2015 01:05 pm
summersgate: (eggshells)
3. How often do you doodle? What do your doodles look like?

I doodle every day. Doodling and sketching merge for me - not sure where one stops and the other starts. Here is a recent page spread from my everything book - the place where I usually doodle/sketch:

whole-page

More examples. )

monday

Jun. 15th, 2015 07:43 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
studio-painting-table-6-15-15
good morning art table just now

Very pleased that I have a dedicated painting/art table again. Yesterday I did two pages in my 3 ring binder book. Mainly the theme was celebrating new beginnings. I am starting a new plan of eating - six small meals a day. But then I needed to figure out what will constitute a "small meal" so made a list of those and printed it off. The list added to an artwork. )

It was nice yesterday to stay home and putter in my room. It rained nearly all day, off and on. I had been feeling lately that I just have too much going on. Thank goodness for rain to keep me home and in the house sometimes. I added a bunch more music to my shuffle list yesterday. Moody Blues that I borrowed from Jules and Jimi Hendrix from Chloe. Paul Simon and more Iris Dement.

We gave Rossy his bike last night and he was happy with it - rode it home in the dark with us shining the flashlight for him.
summersgate: (eggshells)
mask-outside-and-inside-6-9-15smaller

No explanation - it's just stuff that came to me.

art today

May. 18th, 2014 10:16 pm
summersgate: (eggshells)
5-18-14-serenity

Collage and drawing with watercolor. It seems like it has been a long time since I have done any creative drawing - just taking the lines where they want to go.

5 squared

Feb. 14th, 2014 11:14 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
Yesterday my friend Cindy R and I drove over to Boardman Ohio to see the 5 Squared benefit art show at the YMCA. She had donated 4 pieces and 2 sold so far. Every piece in the show sells for only $25 each.

cindy-5-squared-2014
cindy and one of her pieces in the very top right

cindy-5-squared-2014wall
there were 400 pieces entered in all

What I thought was neat and found inspiring was the size - only 5" square. Very doable and there were some really nice pieces. For a while I was doing ATC sized art and found that very nonthreatening when dealing with an artist's block. I think I can honestly say I am in an artist's block right now. Nothing seems worth bothering to do. But maybe I could "bother" do to something only 5" or 6" square. Some of the very nicest and most intriguing art at this show were pieces that weren't very perfect or finished. Very freely painted.

dripping

Oct. 13th, 2013 10:31 pm
summersgate: (eggshells)
dripping-10-13-13
dripping, empty, ineffectual, soft, black and white, autumn, slogging

Anyway...
It feels better to make a cartoon of it.
I am functioning, really, just not as much as I wish I was.
Though why I have these expectations of myself I don't know.

Oo-tapo is sitting here beside me right now, cleaning himself, which is a sign he must be feeling good. But he hardly eats anything and that is not good. It will catch up with him again if he doesn't eat enough - the liver failure will take over again and next time I don't think I should take him to the vet for heroic efforts. If I take him again it will be to put him to sleep. No wonder I feel depressed with that hanging over us. Do other people have clouds hanging over them, clouds on the horizon approaching, rain falling on their lives? Yes. Okay then. Join the ocean of humanity. And stop isolating in my soggy shell.

5 alive

Jul. 31st, 2013 06:59 am
summersgate: (Default)

quick drawing of a face last night that seemed to turn into either me or my mother

I remembered this website for arts anonymous and was reading it again recently. They talk about, "5 Alive - In A.R.T.S., bottom line sobriety begins with a humble daily action to pick up one’s creativity, “one day at a time.” Members are asked to do no less than five minutes of art every day. If one picks up even for five minutes there will be days when 5 minutes turns into hours." So I thought to get me out of my block, or slump or whatever it is I'm experiencing and just to get me going again, I'd try it. This moving and cleaning stuff seems so "important" I tell myself I don't have time for drawing or painting or collage. But I do. Just need to break through.

I think...

May. 11th, 2013 06:58 pm
summersgate: (eggshells)

The "traveling pains" have definitely lodged in my neck, upper back and shoulders now. All kinds of creaking and popping sounds coming from my neck. The mind body connection is out of whack. I don't *feel* upset but I guess I must be. Time to do my stretching exercises for today.

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