ace of cups

Apr. 6th, 2017 07:23 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
4-6-17-ace-of-cups-yellow-b
The ace of cups, beginning of emotion, the start of feeling, the sprouting of compassion, breaking through of love, an offering of heightened affection. My meditation reading this morning was on self-love and I was thinking about how we hear all the time that we have to love ourselves before we can love others. If I can't forgive myself (a person who I know intimately) then how can I expect to forgive others? We all need forgiven together.

I feel like the news I got at the oncologist yesterday was "good news". If a person has to have breast cancer then I've got the best kind. It's small, it can be helped with hormone therapy and so far it appears not to have spread to the lymph glands - they will know more about that after the operation. I'm active and pretty healthy to start with and it might be a good thing that I'm a little overweight - the loss of some breast tissue won't be as noticeable. The operation is this coming Monday. I will have 3 weeks to heal from that before I start the radiation. Radiation will happen 5 days a week (Monday through Friday) for 4 to 6 weeks. Then I will start hormone therapy - taking a pill once a day for 5 years.

~
Something I want to do - start writing my food down as I eat it - just to be more aware. For a while there I lost my appetite and when I did eat I wasn't eating very much but the food I was eating wasn't very good for me - too much sweets and high in fat. I want to make a little book that I can carry with me to keep track of my food. But then I think I will need to make a little crocheted bag to carry it - so now this has become an arts/crafts project too.

I don't understand why everyone is so upset that LJ has asked us to sign a new user agreement. Everywhere you go you have to sign user agreements. And then as years go by you have to re-sign them. Maybe I'm missing something but I don't understand what the big problem is. I'm not going anywhere. I wish others weren't. I like to read the people on my friend's list and I don't want to have to go to multiple other places to do that - I won't go to multiple blogging platforms to read - I'm too lazy to do that. I certainly won't go to FB to do my writing - what I like to write about isn't appropriate for that place. Oh well...
summersgate: (eggshells)
I went to the surgeon this morning and he said they could either do a lumpectomy with radiation afterwards or a full mastectomy. Either would work well to eliminate the cancer – it would be my choice. I said I will go with the lumpectomy and radiation. The operation will be on Monday April 10th. I’m glad I will get in so soon. Then I will be started on some kind of hormone therapy where I will be taking a pill for some years into the future. The cancer type is called ductal cancer or IDC (invasive ductal carcinoma). That is the basics of what I know. It will be an out-patient surgery and only take about 4 hours in all. I will talk to the oncologist next Wednesday and should learn even more then.

I felt it would be a good idea to cancel the baby chicks and just concentrate on taking care of myself so I called the hatchery when we got back from the doctor's office - it's funny but that was the only thing that made me cry today.

wednesday

Mar. 29th, 2017 08:12 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
Nothing like a death in the family to distract from a cancer diagnosis! We have been very busy with lots of phone calls and then between phone calls trying to blank our minds, forget it all (or put it into some kind of order) and get some rest. One thing Dave and I did in the last few days was make a handwritten will (which is legal even if un-witnessed in PA) and make 3 copies of it, one for each of our kids. There are big problems with the will that Dave's brother wrote (part of the reason there are so many phone calls) and we do not want anything like that to happen when we die. I just this morning copied our will and put the copies into envelopes to give to the kids. It is bad enough dealing with grief without adding all kinds of drama. Today we will be busy with the funeral and tomorrow I see the surgeon - finally I will know more and hopefully learn the next step.

Here is a photo that I liked of Bruce. Taken a few years ago while on a fishing trip to the Atlantic with Dave and a friend. Bruce's beloved dog Maggie was still alive then - she went everywhere with him.

bruce-maggie-beach-smaller
If such a thing is true then they are together now.

PS - thank you all for your recent kind words and good wishes. I just haven't had many words lately.
summersgate: (eggshells)
It's not okay, but it's going to be okay.

The news is that I will need surgery to have it removed. I want that to happen as soon as possible. From what the doctor who did the biopsy said it is less than a centimeter in diameter - maybe it will be easy to remove. No vacation to Florida next month - I'm going to be seeing the surgeon and oncologist instead. I feel like I am in shock. But I do find comfort in my mantra. Facing something, doing something about it - feels better than wondering and waiting. I like having a game plan.

wednesday

Mar. 22nd, 2017 08:41 pm
summersgate: (eggshells)
The biopsy went okay. It was stressful and I am tired - my breast is very sore now but it was okay. I will know the results on Friday at the earliest or next week. The doctor said that statistically this type of cancerous calcification has a 70% chance of being non-dangerous. First I thought good - I have a better chance now. Then I thought - why should I be in the lucky 70%? That means someone else will have to be in the unlucky 30%. Someone has to have it. That is the price of being alive and the statistics that apply. I wouldn't wish this on anyone else. I can't be thinking of lucky or unlucky - deserving or undeserving. Let me just face what needs faced and be present for the good in each day. I have ice on it now and hopefully by tomorrow it will feel better - it should. After they were done the nurse asked if I had any questions and I thought to ask what diameter the needle was that they used for the biopsy. She said, the size of a knitting needle - not sure - she didn't really knit. Then she said, oh - here - here's one - you can see it. Ouch! it was big - it looked to be the size of about a 3 mm needle. I said - I'm glad I didn't see that before!

Something I want to remember about the procedure... At the point where the doctor came in and was doing his thing - the novocaine injection and the needle biopsy - the nurse came around to the other side and started tapping up and down on my back, buttocks and thighs (I was face down on a special table with my breast hanging down in a "vice" holding it still while the doctor worked on it). Her tapping felt just like Milo when he walks around on me when I am in bed at night - trying to get my attention and be close to me. I said she felt like my cat when he bothers me at night - but no, she wasn't bothering me - I liked that she was distracting me (from the jerking and movements the doctor was making). Then we talked about cats and what our cats were like. It was just a nice part of the thing.

~
Onto other, more pleasant things...
blooming-granny-trial-3-22-
I think I have chosen a pattern for the baby blanket I am going to make for Mara's baby boy to be. Picture this sample done up in turquoise, red, green, yellow and white assorted colors with a gray edging on each one.

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