summersgate: (Default)


I found the bottom one on the dining room table early in the morning as I was cleaning it off - yes - I need something to combat the fear. Love others, love myself. Concentrate on love and not fear.

The top one was the fortune I got at the Chinese buffet when Dave and I had lunch there. Seemed apt. I do need to accept this cancer, this heart condition - then I can do something about it. Or find a way to live with it. Find a way to manage it and put it on the sidelines.

The middle one was Dave's from lunch. It seemed to apply too. After eating we were heading over to look at chicken coops at Tractor and Supply. We have decided that we need to continue on as best we can, even unsure of the future. I want chickens, he wants a shed, we both want a driveway. We can pursue those things.

Today looked like a nice day to start but it is getting darker as the day goes on. Will probably rain. It is nearly 70F. I went to OA this morning - that was good. But ever since I got back home all I have wanted to do is be up for short periods and then back to bed. Very unmotivated...

I think posting photos on dreamwidth is much more time consuming than it is on LJ - it's so easy on LJ. Hopefully I have succeeded with this posting but I don't think I will bother with cross-posting from DW in the future - unless I have to.

today

Apr. 14th, 2017 11:06 am
summersgate: (Default)
page from For Today
A reading from For Today that spoke to me.

I'm finding myself to be in a bad mood a lot lately - especially with Andy. No patience with his barking or lunging at the cats. Acknowledging feelings should help to cope with them.

I have the number to call the breast cancer society but don't want to - don't want to talk about that yet - don't want to face it or even learn more right now. Though I know that would be helpful in the long run. I don't feel strong enough. Whenever I start reading about it my heart starts pounding and I feel weak. I am doing the thing where I go back to bed over and over again all day - my go-to mode when I'm stressed out. But now I am thinking it's not just stress alone that makes me do that - it has been this heart condition (RBBB) all along.

Anyway.

Posting this on dreamwidth just to try that out and see if that would work for cross-posting. I found the place that allows me to upload photos. Still not leaving LJ - and probably never will - but I want to learn more about my options.
summersgate: (eggshells)
I really liked how the colored xmas lights looked around the front window this winter (you could see them from inside during the night) and left them burning till just recently. Then I got the idea to get some strings of white led lights for inside to brighten things up around here.

night-living-room
Last night I woke up around 4 am, like I do so often, and sat and crocheted while listening to music - enjoying the lights. I thought to take some pictures of the lights as dawn was arriving. You can barely see Yoshi up on her haunches looking forward to the sun rise.

studio-art-table
Just now I put up another string under the shelves and around the ceiling in my studio room.

Tomorrow is the operation. Supposed to be at the hospital at 10. Nothing after midnight tonight. I have felt kind of stressed out and dull today. Though I did get some things done that I wanted to do. Washed two loads of clothes and changed the sheets on the bed, cooked a dozen and a half hard boiled eggs and made a big pot of vegetable soup. Jules invited us over for tacos for dinner - that was nice. Afterwards we looked at his car, which had hit a deer yesterday while Hazel was driving into town. The car might be totaled. That could be a good thing. Jules has been wanting to get a new one. Just before dark Dave took Andy in his truck and I drove my car so I could drop it off to be inspected tomorrow. On the way back we were all together and stopped at an intersection when a fire truck went by, siren blaring, and Andy howled along with it. Funny. Earlier I wanted to go biking and Dave and Rossy put a new tire on my bike but then I felt very tired and my chest hurt - I had no energy so we didn't go. I feel like my traveling pain has traveled into the middle of my chest and put its ache there now. Any exertion makes it hurt. I think it is "fight or flight" time and I can't do either. Talking to my sister tonight and that helped me relax. Maybe I just need to BREATHE more.

ace of cups

Apr. 6th, 2017 07:23 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
4-6-17-ace-of-cups-yellow-b
The ace of cups, beginning of emotion, the start of feeling, the sprouting of compassion, breaking through of love, an offering of heightened affection. My meditation reading this morning was on self-love and I was thinking about how we hear all the time that we have to love ourselves before we can love others. If I can't forgive myself (a person who I know intimately) then how can I expect to forgive others? We all need forgiven together.

I feel like the news I got at the oncologist yesterday was "good news". If a person has to have breast cancer then I've got the best kind. It's small, it can be helped with hormone therapy and so far it appears not to have spread to the lymph glands - they will know more about that after the operation. I'm active and pretty healthy to start with and it might be a good thing that I'm a little overweight - the loss of some breast tissue won't be as noticeable. The operation is this coming Monday. I will have 3 weeks to heal from that before I start the radiation. Radiation will happen 5 days a week (Monday through Friday) for 4 to 6 weeks. Then I will start hormone therapy - taking a pill once a day for 5 years.

~
Something I want to do - start writing my food down as I eat it - just to be more aware. For a while there I lost my appetite and when I did eat I wasn't eating very much but the food I was eating wasn't very good for me - too much sweets and high in fat. I want to make a little book that I can carry with me to keep track of my food. But then I think I will need to make a little crocheted bag to carry it - so now this has become an arts/crafts project too.

I don't understand why everyone is so upset that LJ has asked us to sign a new user agreement. Everywhere you go you have to sign user agreements. And then as years go by you have to re-sign them. Maybe I'm missing something but I don't understand what the big problem is. I'm not going anywhere. I wish others weren't. I like to read the people on my friend's list and I don't want to have to go to multiple other places to do that - I won't go to multiple blogging platforms to read - I'm too lazy to do that. I certainly won't go to FB to do my writing - what I like to write about isn't appropriate for that place. Oh well...
summersgate: (eggshells)
I write things here cause I like to read them later - or see pictures of where I have been - remember things - things that can be public.

jpopstudio-mug-left
More from Jenny Pope's studio.

I got this mug as a gift yesterday from Dave's niece Brandi. She said she just wanted to get me something to help me through, you know, the experience of cancer - something bright and cheerful. I didn't know much about her or her personality before this cause her dad, Dave's brother Bruce (who just died) divorced Brandi's mom a long time ago and I just didn't see his girls much after that (though Dave did). Came to find that she is an extraordinarily wonderful and thoughtful person (not just cause of this gift) but in so many other ways. She is the executor of the will and is handling everything in a gentle and kind way. There are problems (that I don't want to write about here) but she is handling everything so calmly and with sympathy.

Today is the day I see the oncologist. I still need to write down the questions I want to take with me. Thankfully the appointment is in the afternoon and I have the whole morning free. That feels very good. Yesterday Dave and I went back to State College again to help out with the will and dispersal of Bruce's things. Such a long day. Six hours of driving and then all the emotions while there. We both need a day to decompress after going.

I long for time to just sit in my studio making a new piece of jewelry. After looking at this mug I feel inspired to do something with butterflies. I long for bike rides and more hikes. I long for life to go back to what is was before. But for now I need to get a shower and then write down those questions. Maybe I will get a little time to work on jewelry after that...

I dreamed last night that [livejournal.com profile] zyzyly had found a little beagle dog with a cut on its forehead and wanted me to help hold it for him while he stitched the cut up. The dog was asleep or very groggy so it was easy to hold - I just needed to keep its head in the right position for him. He was very competent and quick with his stitching. Afterwards the dog was still groggy and I needed to hold it to keep it safe and still while it recovered. I imagine in the dream I am the beagle and Zyzyly represents the world of medicine. I am turning myself over to that world now and trusting.
summersgate: (eggshells)
I went to the surgeon this morning and he said they could either do a lumpectomy with radiation afterwards or a full mastectomy. Either would work well to eliminate the cancer – it would be my choice. I said I will go with the lumpectomy and radiation. The operation will be on Monday April 10th. I’m glad I will get in so soon. Then I will be started on some kind of hormone therapy where I will be taking a pill for some years into the future. The cancer type is called ductal cancer or IDC (invasive ductal carcinoma). That is the basics of what I know. It will be an out-patient surgery and only take about 4 hours in all. I will talk to the oncologist next Wednesday and should learn even more then.

I felt it would be a good idea to cancel the baby chicks and just concentrate on taking care of myself so I called the hatchery when we got back from the doctor's office - it's funny but that was the only thing that made me cry today.

wednesday

Mar. 29th, 2017 08:12 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
Nothing like a death in the family to distract from a cancer diagnosis! We have been very busy with lots of phone calls and then between phone calls trying to blank our minds, forget it all (or put it into some kind of order) and get some rest. One thing Dave and I did in the last few days was make a handwritten will (which is legal even if un-witnessed in PA) and make 3 copies of it, one for each of our kids. There are big problems with the will that Dave's brother wrote (part of the reason there are so many phone calls) and we do not want anything like that to happen when we die. I just this morning copied our will and put the copies into envelopes to give to the kids. It is bad enough dealing with grief without adding all kinds of drama. Today we will be busy with the funeral and tomorrow I see the surgeon - finally I will know more and hopefully learn the next step.

Here is a photo that I liked of Bruce. Taken a few years ago while on a fishing trip to the Atlantic with Dave and a friend. Bruce's beloved dog Maggie was still alive then - she went everywhere with him.

bruce-maggie-beach-smaller
If such a thing is true then they are together now.

PS - thank you all for your recent kind words and good wishes. I just haven't had many words lately.
summersgate: (eggshells)
It's not okay, but it's going to be okay.

The news is that I will need surgery to have it removed. I want that to happen as soon as possible. From what the doctor who did the biopsy said it is less than a centimeter in diameter - maybe it will be easy to remove. No vacation to Florida next month - I'm going to be seeing the surgeon and oncologist instead. I feel like I am in shock. But I do find comfort in my mantra. Facing something, doing something about it - feels better than wondering and waiting. I like having a game plan.

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