words

Aug. 30th, 2012 10:37 pm
summersgate: (Default)
Had a busy day today - got the kids off to school, puttered around the house till Jill got here at 9 am - helped Jill with mom and then drove up to Meadville, went to the Chinese Buffet for lunch and then over to the Boot Box to see if I could find some comfortable hiking boots (my new quest). I did find some boots and they seemed to fit really well in the store - room for my bunions and toes and the soles felt a little bouncy which I liked. On the way home I stopped at the Ernst bike trail and thought I would try them out. After about 10 minutes I started to find things about them that were uncomfortable, though they never did rub the bunion. Now I am dissatisfied - they feel stiff and confining. Baa. Maybe then need "broke in" - I hope. Got home to find an etsy order for a stack ring set. The customer wants it by Sept 6th to give for a gift and I told her I should be able to get them done and in the mail by Saturday morning. So I spent the rest of the afternoon making 5 rings. I finished them around 7pm and took a nap till 8. And now just sitting with mom in her room, listening to music and passing time...
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smile flames
12 hours later

Jill came, I went to oa this morning, spent time with Dave later and had a good nap this afternoon. Dave made roasted portobella mushrooms and German potato salad for dinner. Life anymore seems very rollercoasterish - lots of ups and downs and hard to hang on - and I need to admit I am not in control. I don't feel very centered (within myself) but I am grateful for the outside things that help me to feel centered again.

The weather is so changed now - the windows are all open and cool fresh air is circulating nicely. I saw people wearing jackets today even.
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wilhelm-7-13-12bridge
lake wilhelm bike trail bridge - the last bridge to cross

Berdella and I completed the circuit (12 1/2 miles) around the lake yesterday. There are connecting walking trails up to McKeever Enviromental Center and we can branch out to walk up there next (I hope!).

Feeling a little bit more able to handle having mom at home. Both Jill and I consistently use a (needle-less) syringe to give mom her pain meds now - so much easier than trying to get her to open her mouth for the spoon. Jill is magical with feeding mom but even she has been having trouble giving the meds. I've come to accept myself and my limits better. If Jill wants to feed mom and take 3 hours to get a yogurt and an applesauce in her that is ok but it is also ok if I just give her nutritional drinks (ensure, instant breakfast) instead. I prop the drink with a pillow so she can drink with a straw and I can read a book beside her. Mom still isn't manageable by one person for turning in bed, changing linens etc and getting up. Though we have gotten her up into her wheelchair a couple times and she has tolerated it ok for about 15 minutes. Dave has given up the idea of going on the annual Canada fishing trip with his brothers next week. I'm so sorry that he can't go but it just wouldn't be smart to let go of his help that is needed here. Though he will be taking Sebastian to a kids Paleontology Camp next week for 3 days in Indiana. Chloe will stay here with me during that time and I hope it works out for just those 3 - 4 days.

I feel so tired and dull lately. I hate to even write anything here cause it always seems to be about mom and how hard things are. I want so much to be creative and long for it but the creativity center in me seems to have shriveled up.

My days:
I water the plants cause the weather is dry (I think I might have lost my patchouli plants cause I missed watering them yesterday - darn!) and I pull weeds. I watch some netflix. I'm reading a lot - right now a book borrowed from Nancy by Mary Meigs (one of the women who was in the movie Strangers in Good Company) - the book is called Beyond Recall, a journal of the last 2 years of her life after she had a stroke. It is a little depressing but it is also a brave account of what life is really like - how a person copes with the end approaching. I love to read her dreams. And the little letters that she writes that she pretends are written by her cat. It's depressing to read all the pain and discomfort that she was having but in another way I envy her - the time now that she had at the end to just BE and think and write. I go to my shed and sit and write - trying to figure out how I really feel and get connected to a higher level of spirit. I have totally filled the journal that I started 2 years ago in April when I started working on the shed. Need to get a new one or make a new one to put in there now. I did get out for breakfast with Nancy on Thursday and walk with Berdella on Friday - just by doing those two things I feel a little more balanced this week. Dave and I went out to dinner last night and sat across the table from each other, looking at each other, listening to each other - another thing that makes life worth living. The lilies out front are blooming - not as tall or as full as they were last year - many were broken off by chipmunks trying to climb them to reach the feeder (I did move the feeder but it was too late). We need some rain - it looks overcast today. July is our traditional dry month here though. Listening to more music lately - cd's in the little player in mom's room. Music that I didn't have room to fit into my iPod. Bob Dylan yesterday. It will be Van Morrison today. I'd like to clean off my painting table - it has become a catch all and the spot I keep my laptop - if (and when) I clean it I will be able to "do art" again - collage would be nice - something that can just flow directionless so I can be surprised by it.

LJ is still not letting me stay logged in - the Hughesnet higher level tech team is working on it - they will be sending a technician out to replace the radio transmitter next (I think that is what is happening anyway). I can post entries and I can comment by doing a special login but it will never let me read protected entries on my friends page so I have no idea what is going on with people who post "friends only".

Later - edit - LJ is amazingly staying logged in for the moment! Yay! Getting busy reading Friends Page...

wednesday

Jul. 11th, 2012 08:42 am
summersgate: (goatshed)
Now I find out that it is stupid hughesnet that is causing the livejournal login problem. I emailed them and we'll see how long til they fix it.

Had some shed time this morning:
shed-table-7-11-12
sun coming in the door and hitting the bedspread

A little chipmunk visited me this morning 2 times while I was in the shed. Ran in the door to the middle of the floor and then out again. I bet he was puzzled that the door was open and he couldn't figure out how this new space was there where it used to be a simple wall to him before.

I hope Jill comes today - I really need a day off and time away from "my worries", my guilt. I know I sound like I am such a loving person (and I guess I am) but I am also a person who is angry inside and impatient. I know what I am like inside. I see who really lives in here. I feel like I am going to flip out sometimes as I'm trying to get mom to take her meds, or a bite of food or take a hold of the straw and she is refusing. I take it personally. I guess I am comparing myself to Jill and her patience in this situation. She has so much more patience!!!! And a gentleness about her that I don't have. I have taken care of so many people in my life - my brother John and my dad (and the patients at Polk) but they wanted what I was offering (a drink or food or their meds) - I feel like I am dealing with a rebellious child with mom. I intellectually know mom is dying, in the dying process, and not wanted to eat is part of that process much of the time but it is so HARD to not want to give her sustenance. Shall I just let her lay in her bed, mouth clamped shut and die? When Jill is here she opens up so I know she is capable of wanting it sometimes. I feel very inadequate.

ANYway... Jill hasn't called yet so it is very possible that she is coming! I can make plans for my day today. I would love to play with my new little painting box that I got a while ago. I had a chance to paint experimentally with it a while ago (before all this happened with mom) and it is such a cute little thing:

judson-pocket-box

This size of painting box holds 5" by 7" canvases and has a built in easel. Your medium and brushes can be held on the right side and the left side is the palette. Here is a video showing it in use - so adorable!!!! I hope to get out somehow and use it today. I'll help Jill get started with mom at 9 am and then PT is coming at 10 and I'll get to talk with them - then FREE TIME.
summersgate: (OPADI)
6-8-12-pea-seedlings
we planted a few peas in here with a damp towel so rossy so see them grow - the rest we planted outside

Dave and I just got back from watching the movie, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel - it was good, "feel good".

holga lens

Jun. 6th, 2012 05:30 pm
summersgate: (OPADI)
6-6-12 xmas cactus holga
xmas cactus this morning

Gabe and I decided that we would go on a photo spree today - explore the Franklin Cemetery and St Pat's Cemetery. I used the plastic holga lens on the nikon all day - it's a fixed f8, 60mm with no way to accurately focus so that is limiting but I still like it's "darkness". Something different anyway... We also had french fries at the TnT Deli - yum. We have decided that Wednesday will be our day together - next week the big cemetery on the top of the hill by the old hospital in Oil City. I'm glad he likes cemeteries as much as I do. I guess a 13 year old boy and a 58 year old woman can enjoy a day together!

door-handle
handle Come inside - HERE )
summersgate: (OPADI)

female

Had a busy day today. Jill came. Walked this morning with Berdella at Lake Wilhelm and then had lunch in Sandy Lake. That is becoming a regular thing, the lunch afterwards and I'm loving this extra time with her. Came home and worked on cleaning up the folders in my LJ scrapbook. I don't why I'm doing this because I still have 5376 other photos in the "unsorted" folder - but at least I have the total folders down to 12 and that made me happy for some reason. My scrapbook is a big mess - I just upload the photo I need for my post but have never organized the photos. I didn't understand what I was doing and for many of them, when I thought I was naming them I actually was naming a folder after them so I had all these folders with only one photo in them - getting it down to only 12 folders is a step in the right direction. Then Mara came with her husband Dan and their new little dog, Raven and visited for a while. Mom did look up at them in puzzlement once but that was the only sign that she noticed them. They were curious about Yoshi so I put her on the table and she walked around in front of them for a while touching things with her tongue but then when I reached for her to put her back she darted away from me and fell off the table, luckily onto a chair so it wasn't a very far fall. Then we went out back cause Mara wanted to see the patio garden (it's nice to actually have someone ask to see it!) and I gave her some cuttings to take home. I showed them the goatshed and Dan loved it - he wants one too. I worked for a while at my jewelry bench and then went to pick up Johnny from work and the grandkids from CDC. Came home and Jules told me about his experiences at the courthouse during jury selection today. He was picked for 2 trials later this month. Took a nap and now here I am...

6-4-12-red-tips
red tips - a photo from the wilhelm walk this morning

More photos - HERE - taken at a spring I stopped at on the way home from Berdella's. )

silky bed

May. 29th, 2012 08:48 am
summersgate: (Default)

satin sheets

I had been sleeping in my sleeping bag just cause I liked it's silky feel but it was getting too hot, so finally I thought I would get some satin sheets and see if that would fill the bill. I think they are keepers! And they weren't really that expensive at all - I thought they would be more expensive than regular sheets but they aren't. The top sheet does want to slide around and tucking in the bottom doesn't work as well but I'm willing to live with that.

This morning Rossy and Sebby wanted me to look up their last day of school. I did finally find out that their last day is next Tuesday. They are both begging me to let them stay home with me rather than go to the Child Development Center this summer. But I am saying no. Too much confusion with 3 kids in the house all summer. I feel bad that I can't be everything for everyone - but I need to take care of myself. Sorry kids. Gabe will be here since he is too old to go to CDC and that will be enough.

My peonies all fell down and cracked their stems in the rain Sunday. Baa - they were only open a few hours (they had opened first thing that morning and were gorgeous). I cut them off and brought them in but flowers in a vase are not as good to me as flowers outside where they belong.

Jill is coming today - yay! She had been sick since Friday night. I'm going to art group today. I have to come home early cause the hospice nurse wants me to sign more papers today. Mom had such a good day yesterday it almost seems silly to have her on hospice, but really, it is a good idea for the future if and when she starts to not eat and drink properly again. And it certainly won't hurt to have skilled nursing in here on a regular basis.

wednesday

May. 9th, 2012 11:15 am
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black ball in woods

Berdella and I walked this morning though it was cut short by a call from Dave that Jill wouldn't be coming - I went home early. So here I am - a regular old day at home for the rest of the day. I guess I'm OK with that - have to be. I was going to have an outing this afternoon with David Z - will have to schedule that sometime later...


rusty tank on the way to new lebanon
summersgate: (OPADI)

tonight

Had a really great day today. Writing group with many of my favorite people this morning, seafood salad lunch at Granthams - then home to work on jewelry for a while. We put mom to bed, Jill left and I took a tiny nap and then I went out to try out plein air painting again before it got too dark. Chloe and her boyfriend Mike stopped by and here we are sitting around the table talking (me doing this). That's all...

wednesday

Apr. 25th, 2012 09:14 pm
summersgate: (OPADI)

disposer

I had a good day today - quite busy. Jill came so I had a day off. I walked with Berdella over at Lake Wilhelm this morning. Photos of the walk and the drive over - HERE. )

Then I came home and worked on jewelry all afternoon, made spaghetti dinner for everyone, took a nap and then 2 OA friends came over for a meeting. This is the second time they have come here for an impromptu meeting and it is such a gift.
summersgate: (OPADI)

trying to bother mom while she eats

Tuesday night. Just got done taking the weekly garbage out. Sitting now with mom while she eats her dinner. Watching a recorded Glee episode. Amazon shopping for a new tracfone - mine won't hold a charge for more than 24 hours so if I forget to plug it in when I get home it will be dead the next day. I choose the LG800C. It has triple minutes for life plus an actual keyboard for typing. I wish I could say I got a lot of important stuff done today, jewelry made or business conducted but I didn't. I did go to writer's group but we didn't get around to writing - just talking. We did go to lunch - I had baked cod, applesauce and a baked potato - it was good. Deb gave me a new (to me) book about Charles Burchfield which I love. I came home and tried to research where I could take a class in metal casting. I might see about taking one at Edinboro University - they have an excellent jewelry department. That's where I took my first fabrication class in 1995 or 96 that got me started. I was looking at the work of Marianne Hunter today - I love her enamels and was feeling inspired to raise the level of my work. If I could add cast elements I think that would be fabulous. But for now I think I should just work more at enameling and get better at that. That is an art-form that can express so much - it is like making tiny paintings with glass - I could do so much more with it than I do...

inspired

Apr. 23rd, 2012 08:44 pm
summersgate: (OPADI)

rooted - with wings to fly

I immediately drew a sketch last night after seeing the artwork in Kathy's house and today while Jill was here taking care of mom I spent most all my day making it.

Other than that I did get out for an early supper at the Chinese buffet with Gabe and Dave when Dave got off work at 3:30 - then home for a short nap. Oh, and I got the cutest little enameling kiln in the whole world today. It's called a beehive kiln or trinket kiln. It arrived this morning and I heated it up for a trial run. The only thing that isn't perfect about it is that it takes 45 minutes to get to enameling temp. I will still keep torch firing (cause it is so much quicker) but when I am doing delicate things like applying foils I will use the trinket kiln.




with the lid off so you can see inside

sink

Apr. 12th, 2012 03:59 pm
summersgate: (OPADI)

if it ain't broke (still works) don't fix it

Actually Dave is trying to fix it but can't find the fittings cause it is such an old faucet - we may need to buy a whole new faucet set. Until then we are making do quite well with the temporary fix. For some reason I enjoy things like this - broken things that still can work, odd things, marred things, making do...

My day so far: breakfast with Dave at EatnPark. Then home for a long nap with him under the opened-up sleeping bag. He is still sick with his cold and it's nice to have a warm body to sleep with in the daytime - I didn't want to pass that up. Now I'm in the studio fiddling around - finishing up random things and starting to enamel the new butterfly earrings.

[livejournal.com profile] kabuldur this is for you:


early this morning while they were still frosted


just a little while ago - they are trying to recover and have risen some - but they have frosted so many times this spring they are having a hard time recovering in just one day - tomorrow if we don't have a frost tonight they might be higher still - poor things their edges are turning brown
summersgate: (OPADI)

for some reason the tips of this plant have gotten very purple

It snowed this morning but it has all pretty much melted off now. Just sitting here with mom while she drinks her hot coco - Jill is going to be late today so I'm doing the morning routine. Later though after Jill gets here I have some errands and then I really want to get to work at my workbench - I have been lax with work lately and things are piling up. Hmm - here I am putting a tag of "day off" on my post but it is usually my days off from mom that I actually get to "work" at my business!

Here are some sketches for a pair of earrings I might be making to match that necklace shown in the photo:


hopefully the customer will like one of the drawings so i can get started on that too
summersgate: (OPADI)

sometimes the most interesting thing inside is the view of things outside

Today, I walked with Berdella over by Lake Wilhelm first thing, came back to take mom to her semi-annual doctor's appointment, came home for a small nap and then shopping. Busy day. Mom is doing good for her age. Seems more bent over and lost in herself than ever before but she did raise her head to smile and nod at Doctor McCandless when he wished her happy birthday. He has a very good way with her - I'm glad.
summersgate: (OPADI)

sometimes the most interesting thing inside is the view of things outside

Today, I walked with Berdella over by Lake Wilhelm first thing, came back to take mom to her semi-annual doctor's appointment, came home for a small nap and then shopping. Busy day. Mom is doing good for her age. Seems more bent over and lost in herself than ever before but she did raise her head to smile and nod at Doctor McCandless when he wished her happy birthday. He has a very good way with her - I'm glad.
summersgate: (OPADI)

lower corner of the breakfast bar

I want to start One Photo A Day Inside again - it is good to have repetition and consistency in my life. And OPADI is fairly easy.

I dreamed this morning that I walked in to mom's room to wake her up and she was already awake, smiling, sitting up on a card table beside her bed - leaning her back against the wall. She was bright and lucid and I was so happy to see her and she me. I called Dave and he came in to see. Mom asked me to get her a cup of tea (or something from the kitchen) so I went to get it. Dave called me back with panic in his voice and I came back to see mom all contorted on the table. I hugged her and straightened her out. She said her left arm was numb and I could see she was getting blue. I knew she wouldn't want me to call the ambulance - she was having a heart attack. I said, "I love you, mom" and she said, I love you too. I love you all". I thought this was going to be the end and I said, "I'm sorry for all the times I wasn't nice to you after your mind was gone" and she said, "That's OK - we all ..." and that was all she said - end of dream. I want to remember this dream.

Jill just called and she is sick so I won't have a day off. But Dave is going to watch mom so I can get out this morning - Berdella and I are going to walk today. Better get going so I can get mom started for Dave.
summersgate: (OPADI)

lower corner of the breakfast bar

I want to start One Photo A Day Inside again - it is good to have repetition and consistency in my life. And OPADI is fairly easy.

I dreamed this morning that I walked in to mom's room to wake her up and she was already awake, smiling, sitting up on a card table beside her bed - leaning her back against the wall. She was bright and lucid and I was so happy to see her and she me. I called Dave and he came in to see. Mom asked me to get her a cup of tea (or something from the kitchen) so I went to get it. Dave called me back with panic in his voice and I came back to see mom all contorted on the table. I hugged her and straightened her out. She said her left arm was numb and I could see she was getting blue. I knew she wouldn't want me to call the ambulance - she was having a heart attack. I said, "I love you, mom" and she said, I love you too. I love you all". I thought this was going to be the end and I said, "I'm sorry for all the times I wasn't nice to you after your mind was gone" and she said, "That's OK - we all ..." and that was all she said - end of dream. I want to remember this dream.

Jill just called and she is sick so I won't have a day off. But Dave is going to watch mom so I can get out this morning - Berdella and I are going to walk today. Better get going so I can get mom started for Dave.
summersgate: (Default)
1. Something I’m perturbed about: that Jill is sick and can’t come. Not that I am perturbed at her – just perturbed by the situation. Feeling trapped here (as I have a tendency to do). This is the second day that I have been stuck here all day.

2. Looking forward to: making a new Everything Book. The present one is nearly done and I’m looking forward to making a new one – I think I will do the form of the new one the same as the one I’m using now – a collage image on one side of the page spread and a blank white space in the middle of the other side with colors painted all around that will go with the collaged image.

3. Something annoying: how mom tilts to the side so much and needs propped up – she spills her drink so easy when she is tilted.

4. Looking forward to getting done and over with: compiling and getting ready the information for the income taxes. I was waiting till after Kathy left to get into that so now’s the time.

5. A movie I enjoyed watching: The Visitor by Thomas McCarthy – the same guy who did The Station Agent (which I really liked). It stars Richard Jenkins (who played the dad in Six Feet Under).

6. Exciting: Melancholia should arrive tomorrow from netflix – I can finally see it!

7. A picture I took last Saturday when Kathy and I were catching the magic hour:


8. Worried (still) about: Tenzing – yesterday he was out of breath twice and panting – I’m afraid it is his heart – it is enlarged and maybe this is congestive heart failure. He likes to pace around endlessly and he was panting as he went. I finally stopped him and held him so he could be still and catch his breath. Today though he has been ok so far…

9. Something I’m not going to do today: eat crackers with peanut butter and jelly. I eat too many and then I get so sleepy. They taste too good. I did just eat a small bowl of orange sherbert - that's ok. A little bit will satisfy and I can be done.

10. Working: finished a ring for an etsy customer this morning – good to spend time in the workshop and be productive.

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