ace of cups

Apr. 6th, 2017 07:23 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
The ace of cups, beginning of emotion, the start of feeling, the sprouting of compassion, breaking through of love, an offering of heightened affection. My meditation reading this morning was on self-love and I was thinking about how we hear all the time that we have to love ourselves before we can love others. If I can't forgive myself (a person who I know intimately) then how can I expect to forgive others? We all need forgiven together.

I feel like the news I got at the oncologist yesterday was "good news". If a person has to have breast cancer then I've got the best kind. It's small, it can be helped with hormone therapy and so far it appears not to have spread to the lymph glands - they will know more about that after the operation. I'm active and pretty healthy to start with and it might be a good thing that I'm a little overweight - the loss of some breast tissue won't be as noticeable. The operation is this coming Monday. I will have 3 weeks to heal from that before I start the radiation. Radiation will happen 5 days a week (Monday through Friday) for 4 to 6 weeks. Then I will start hormone therapy - taking a pill once a day for 5 years.

Something I want to do - start writing my food down as I eat it - just to be more aware. For a while there I lost my appetite and when I did eat I wasn't eating very much but the food I was eating wasn't very good for me - too much sweets and high in fat. I want to make a little book that I can carry with me to keep track of my food. But then I think I will need to make a little crocheted bag to carry it - so now this has become an arts/crafts project too.

I don't understand why everyone is so upset that LJ has asked us to sign a new user agreement. Everywhere you go you have to sign user agreements. And then as years go by you have to re-sign them. Maybe I'm missing something but I don't understand what the big problem is. I'm not going anywhere. I wish others weren't. I like to read the people on my friend's list and I don't want to have to go to multiple other places to do that - I won't go to multiple blogging platforms to read - I'm too lazy to do that. I certainly won't go to FB to do my writing - what I like to write about isn't appropriate for that place. Oh well...
summersgate: (eggshells)
43. How difficult is it for you to forgive someone who refuses to apologize?

Lots of questions (and thoughts) about forgiveness here lately. If someone refuses to apologize (after I have pointed out what hurt me) then that just makes me mad and the hurt won't go away. Refusing to apologize adds to the original hurt. I have had a few of those happen in my life. I said before that I try to forgive - I believe in forgiving (for my own good) - but I can't say that I have totally forgiven in all circumstances - those ones in particular come to mind. Maybe it's better not to ask for an apology, cause if you don't get it then you are really screwed - you have even more hurt to let go of.
summersgate: (eggshells)
41. What do you consider unforgivable?

Forgive others, not because they deserve forgiveness, but because you deserve peace.

I saw the above just yesterday on Calico-pye's journal and it truly is what I want to believe and practice - cause I do want peace. But first a person has to feel the hurt before they can make the decision to forgive and let go. Things that hurt are losing someone, experiencing disrespect and rudeness, being forgotten, being the target of aggression, theft, having jealousy, being lied to. My life thankfully has not been a bad life and I have experienced nothing that is unforgivable - no one has murdered a loved one - or tried to kill me - two things I would think of as the very hardest to forgive.
summersgate: (eggshells)
The Gilded Tarot - death.

I am the one who... a hero who charges in on a white horse. My banner is a white 5 petaled flower - a flower of purity and grace with 3 rounds of petals, each round building evenly outward from the last round. My helmet has wings. My armor is gray, not showy. I come quietly to end the battle.

So what does this mean to me today? I didn't want to be upset by the sled riding incident yesterday but I guess I am. We were wrong to forget to move the broken part from the bottom of the hill. I could have reminded the kids when they got up to the top to get back down there or yelled at them to get it when they were down there. I could have gone down myself and got it. It wasn't down there very long - less than 5 minutes I am sure - it was just a fluke that it caused a problem so quickly. None of us set out to harm anyone - it was an oversight. I do feel bad. The woman wouldn't accept my apology. She preferred to continue with shaming us. My attitude when it first happened was the healthiest - I could see she had problems controlling herself and after she left I wanted to go back to normalcy. It wasn't that big of a deal, except to her. If we had an inflatable sled and it had broken on something I would have just accepted it and learned the lesson to not buy an inflatable sled next time - too flimsy. Or taken it back to where I got it for a refund.

So Death card, help me to accept and change this shame and guilt that I feel for causing a problem for this poor sick woman. Yesterday is OVER. Death is supposed to not be a "bad" card - it is a card of change, transformation and resurrection. Let go of the old so the new can come in. Let go of old thoughts and ways of being. I need to see this as a positive thing somehow. Let go of the pain. Forgive myself. Forgive her. It must be terrible to be her, angry all the time and needing to threaten and bully others.


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