Inspired by the Seven of Cups in the Thoth tarot. That card has the word "debauch" on it and is very busy with 7 flowers dripping into seven cups and they are all overflowing into a pool of water all broken up with drops falling into it. My interpretation of my feelings today is not that.
Yesterday morning I found out that I had a message on my phone from the day before. My cousin Helen's son had called to tell me that Helen wasn't doing well and she was nearing the end. I went to the nursing home to see her and found that she was as he said - unresponsive. Though I thought I did see some glimmerings of responsive when I told her I was there. It looked like her lips were dry and I got a little sponge on a stick and gave her some water with it - she sucked the water and licked her lips - so I know a bit of her consciousness was working. Her eyes never opened though. I was alone the whole time and at one point I thought I would look into her journal that was on the bedside stand. Back when she was still living in her own home she had showed me her journal so I thought she wouldn't mind. It was mainly all gibberish - made no sense. Though she had told me back then that she used code to write about certain people so they wouldn't be able to read what she was writing about them. So I don't know if this was her code or if she really was losing the ability to put thoughts together in these last months. The word "no" was used a lot. But one sentence at the top of a page separated from the gibberish words was very plain: SO - I AM STILL ON THIS EARTH!
Helen didn't like her roommate much - I already knew that. I could hear the roommate out in the hall begging someone to help me, help me, help me in a horrible whiny voice. I went out to check and she wanted someone to push her into the room. I said, okay, I can help you. Right then Helen let out a big yell and started to scream so I said to the roommate - sorry - I need to help Helen now and left her. As soon as Helen heard I was not going to bring the roommate in she calmed down. So I do think she has some consciousness - just not the ability to do very much with it - she is getting farther away now. But she knew she didn't want her serenity ruined by this whiny, constantly complaining self-centered woman. That is one thing about dying in a nursing home rather than your own home. Not nice.
I had a dream last night that I had fixed up my goat shed anew with couches, chairs, tables and beds - shelves on the walls to put art and trinkets and I built a big fireplace in the far wall. It was much bigger than before. I had invited people over for a get-together and it was really nice. But then, I found out that the goats were still alive and needed a home. I had no choice but try and make them welcome there. They were pooping all over and getting into things. I was cleaning out an old bucket that I had planted flowers in to make a water bucket for them. The goats weren't in very good shape and Gretta Goat had a sore on her head - I was wondering what kind of salve I had to put on it. I was up in the house when someone yelled, "There's a fire in the goatshed!" so I ran down to see. There really wasn't any danger - it was just a fire in the fireplace. But it was very hot in there and candles and things like that were melting. I stayed with it to make sure everything was okay till the fire died down. End of dream.
I have no idea where that dream came from or what it means.