today

Apr. 14th, 2017 11:06 am
summersgate: (Default)
page from For Today
A reading from For Today that spoke to me.

I'm finding myself to be in a bad mood a lot lately - especially with Andy. No patience with his barking or lunging at the cats. Acknowledging feelings should help to cope with them.

I have the number to call the breast cancer society but don't want to - don't want to talk about that yet - don't want to face it or even learn more right now. Though I know that would be helpful in the long run. I don't feel strong enough. Whenever I start reading about it my heart starts pounding and I feel weak. I am doing the thing where I go back to bed over and over again all day - my go-to mode when I'm stressed out. But now I am thinking it's not just stress alone that makes me do that - it has been this heart condition (RBBB) all along.

Anyway.

Posting this on dreamwidth just to try that out and see if that would work for cross-posting. I found the place that allows me to upload photos. Still not leaving LJ - and probably never will - but I want to learn more about my options.
summersgate: (eggshells)
12-22-16-skye-and-me-and-the-candle
This morning Skye wanted to sit right on my journal book and look at the candle with me. When it got very low she put extra attention on it and then when it died and a wisp of smoke came towards her she looked ready to run. She got a whiff of it and gave a jerk but stood her ground.

I had a weird dream last night that I can't understand. In the dream I had put Andy out back and I also had a baby that I laid out there on the porch with him. It was a very young baby - couldn't crawl yet. When I went back out in a few minutes to bring Andy back in the baby was gone. I had such a feeling of guilt but I didn't want to call the police. I felt like we could find it if we searched the yard. We couldn't find it though. It wasn't like Andy had eaten it but he hadn't guarded it like I thought he would. An old disheveled lady (or maybe it was a man) came into the yard and I questioned her to see if she had anything to do with taking the baby. I was convinced she hadn't but I just didn't want her there and ordered her away. She wouldn't go and I started to push her. She still wouldn't go so I just gave up and went back to the house. Jill was on the back porch smoking a cigarette and as I went by her she said don't worry, she would make sure the old lady left. I had gotten to the point that I was going to finally call the police but I knew then that I would be an object of ridicule and disgust for losing my baby this way.

This seems very far fetched but I think the baby (that I was supposed to take care of) might be my food abstinence. Yesterday I overate way too much. Johnny had brought home some baked goods. Today I really want to watch myself with food - have just 3 moderate meals. Seems like a strange meaning to ascribe to the dream but it's all I can come up with that is bothering me at this time.

Need to do some food shopping today or tomorrow so we can make Christmas Eve dinner for the family. Saturday night is the only time we can get everyone together here for festivities. Dave is making a ham and I will be doing the vegetables - 3 bean salad, mashed potatoes, apple sauce - and probably something else. I try to make lots of things that the vegans can eat. We will have 3 vegans, 1 pescetarian (me) and 5 meat eaters for this dinner.
summersgate: (eggshells)
11-24-16-10-of-swords3
10 of Swords - Inner Child tarot.

Usually the 10 of Swords is a very unpleasant card with a dead person laying there, his blood all drained out and 10 swords plunged in his back. The end - hit bottom. Inner Child tarot is not so bleak. As a compulsive overeater (on a day dedicated to overeating and excess) I like the image of the endless cycle (serpent eating it's tail) being held in place with a circle of swords, like a fence around it. One of my favorite sayings is that I need to keep a fence around my food. And just before I drew the card I was thinking about another saying I had recently heard, "Chew More, Eat Less". So the card really seems to be meaningful in relationship to food today. I have a tendency to put too much food on my plate and then feel like I have to do my duty and clean my plate - no matter how full I already am. I like having this morning meditation time to get centered for my day and make plans on how to handle it.

Still lots of cleaning and cooking to be done today before company gets here. That is not exciting to me but I guess I can dedicate one day of my life to being a normal domestic person. I was remembering last night as I was in the kitchen baking a cake that in high school I won the Betty Crocker Homemaking Award - something they gave out back in the 60's. Yes, I know well how to cook and clean - that doesn't mean I like to do it.

I am thankful for:
Dave.
Family. All good people who I enjoy being with.
My good friends who I trust to listen to me and really hear me.
Andy - he certainly is entertaining. Last night Hazel brought over the laser light cat toy and Andy chased the dot of red light all around the living room like a nut. When it was on the ceiling he even tried to jump up and get it there.
Milo and Skye - both good for quiet kitty loving.
My health - which is good and I am strong enough to do what I want to do. I guess I am lucky that I don't want to do anything I can't.

wishing

Nov. 23rd, 2016 07:14 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
candle-graveyard-11-23-16
Birthday candle graveyard - where wishes go to die. All that is left behind after living a long (for them) life and dying a natural death is their little curling skeletons.

Woke up this morning at 5 am and looked out the bedroom window to see Orion in the west. That is always comforting to me for some reason. A good thing about winter.

wishing-upon-a-star-11-23-16
Wishing upon a star.

My tarot card this morning is from the Inner Child deck. It uses fairy tale characters and this one had a little child throwing a coin in a wishing well. But I found I couldn't seem to draw a child so she become a cat person instead. I have to accept that sometimes what I set out to draw isn't what I end up drawing. I'm not a good enough illustrator that I can CONTROL it. So I have to go where it wants to go and play along. Which is okay with me but leads to much doubt - wondering if it will even go anywhere finally, and thinking if it doesn't, wouldn't it just be better to give up before I start? That is what goes through my mind many times. But this is supposed to be for the "practice" of it, not necessarily for the end result. And it if doesn't turn out - so what? Someone once said you have to be willing to be a bad artist in order to be a good artist.

monday

Nov. 21st, 2016 07:11 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
11-21-16-a-new-day-to-write-in
Nov 21, 2016 - a fresh new day to write in.

I changed over to burning birthday candles for my morning meditation - they burn for around 15 minutes so I am dedicated to staying at my writing table for periods at least that length. Today I burned 2. Lighting a candle keeps me at the table cause I wouldn't want to leave a lit candle unattended with Skye around. My problem is that I get so easily distracted. I need a block of time where I stay focused and this seems to be working.

We are having 13 people here for Thanksgiving. So I ended up writing about what I need to clean and what I need to cook. Hazel does my usual cleaning (sweeping, vacuuming and the bathroom) but there is some deep dusting, redding up and removal of junk that needs to take place that really only I can do. There are 3 vegans that need to be accommodated when I plan the food so no cream sauces, milk or cheese in a good part of the foods. Dave will make the turkey and stuffing for the meat eaters and I usually make the vegetables anyway so that isn't much different from past years. Three bean salad, sugar carrots, acorn squash, mashed potatoes, steamed fresh broccoli and waldorf salad.

What I really want to do right now is work on jewelry - not clean or cook. I hope I can fit some of that in in the next few days too.

The snow is holding on - still a white world out there but the roads are clear.
summersgate: (eggshells)
1-table

Closer )

Not sure how much meditation I experienced but it was definitely more than usual. I kept on thinking of things I needed to get up and do - fill the bird feeder, take a picture of the candle (!)...

But it's a start - I want to make it a habit. Good habits are good!

Oh - and I tagged as spam all the political emails I had been getting so I don't get them anymore. I was enjoying hating on Trump but it was just yucky. Plus it made me feel guilty that I wasn't doing enough for my own party. So glad it is all gone now. Though I will vote on Tuesday. Oh, if we could only just go back in time to the primaries and get some different candidates!

It was nice to wake up to light and it was only 7 am.

Today the big plan is to take Sebastian and Rossy biking on the Clarion Highlands. There is a 6 to 8 mile section I haven't been on yet. It goes through the woods on a little cinder path that used to be a railroad and at the far end goes through the game lands. On the way back we will stop and eat at Taco Bell - one of their favorite places to eat.

tuesday

Mar. 30th, 2010 08:27 am
summersgate: (Default)
Morning meditation nook:



This is where I hang out in the morning - trying to get centered (when I'm not busy with the grandkids).

I'm thinking I need a book on child rearing or something. I never have been that great with kids and it seems like the universe keeps handing me lessons to learn with them. I barely know what I'm doing - don't know good ways to resolve conflict - don't know how to redirect energy. It's not that I don't like kids - I just don't like them when they are unhappy and rude (does anyone?). It has fallen to me to be a mother and engaged grandmother. There is still a lot I need to learn. Some people seem to be naturals at this (Dave is - that's why we make a good team) but not me. Oh well - I guess if I'm willing to learn and keep being open to change, things will work out...



But here's a few things where I feel (a little) more in control, thank goodness. The red star cab will become a ring for MnH, the green pearls, emerald stone and hummingbird will be a necklace and the ceramic face and red enameled cab will become a pendant. I have struggled with the hummingbird for months now - it just didn't seem right and I ground down the top layers and started over a couple times but I feel like it has finally come together...

tuesday

Mar. 30th, 2010 08:27 am
summersgate: (Default)
Morning meditation nook:



This is where I hang out in the morning - trying to get centered (when I'm not busy with the grandkids).

I'm thinking I need a book on child rearing or something. I never have been that great with kids and it seems like the universe keeps handing me lessons to learn with them. I barely know what I'm doing - don't know good ways to resolve conflict - don't know how to redirect energy. It's not that I don't like kids - I just don't like them when they are unhappy and rude (does anyone?). It has fallen to me to be a mother and engaged grandmother. There is still a lot I need to learn. Some people seem to be naturals at this (Dave is - that's why we make a good team) but not me. Oh well - I guess if I'm willing to learn and keep being open to change, things will work out...



But here's a few things where I feel (a little) more in control, thank goodness. The red star cab will become a ring for MnH, the green pearls, emerald stone and hummingbird will be a necklace and the ceramic face and red enameled cab will become a pendant. I have struggled with the hummingbird for months now - it just didn't seem right and I ground down the top layers and started over a couple times but I feel like it has finally come together...
summersgate: (Default)
I was over at poll of the day and took a poll on the age of my parents when I was born. Only 2.4% of mothers were as old as my mom when she gave birth to me (she was 41 at the time) and only 5.9% of the fathers as old (my dad was 42). Which explains why I have a 97 year old mom now! And then I was thinking - if she had had me when she was 20 I would be 77 now - not a very good age to be taking care of an elderly person. So I am very lucky she had me when she did - I'm still young enough to be strong and be able to lift her, etc.

No art group for me today. Jill is sick and can't come. Boo. I have 3 jewelry projects coming up that I'm looking forward to working on though. So now today will be a good day to stay home and work on them I guess...

My AYOA for Sunday and Monday:



Not that great for "ART" with a capital A, but ok for "art" - which is all I expect of it. I have been keeping up with being abstinent (from sweets and extra food) too - I feel like I have more energy and a much better attitude. Yay! Also doing my morning meditations again - with the kids coming at 6:15 am to wait for the school bus I didn't know how I would fit that in but I put my meditation books in the bathroom and don't come out to take care of them till I'm done.

~ Dave got a deer yesterday. Even though I don't eat meat I'm glad he got a deer as I think it is good in the end - the deer herd needs thinned and it is good meat for him and the kids.

On with my day...
summersgate: (Default)
I was over at poll of the day and took a poll on the age of my parents when I was born. Only 2.4% of mothers were as old as my mom when she gave birth to me (she was 41 at the time) and only 5.9% of the fathers as old (my dad was 42). Which explains why I have a 97 year old mom now! And then I was thinking - if she had had me when she was 20 I would be 77 now - not a very good age to be taking care of an elderly person. So I am very lucky she had me when she did - I'm still young enough to be strong and be able to lift her, etc.

No art group for me today. Jill is sick and can't come. Boo. I have 3 jewelry projects coming up that I'm looking forward to working on though. So now today will be a good day to stay home and work on them I guess...

My AYOA for Sunday and Monday:



Not that great for "ART" with a capital A, but ok for "art" - which is all I expect of it. I have been keeping up with being abstinent (from sweets and extra food) too - I feel like I have more energy and a much better attitude. Yay! Also doing my morning meditations again - with the kids coming at 6:15 am to wait for the school bus I didn't know how I would fit that in but I put my meditation books in the bathroom and don't come out to take care of them till I'm done.

~ Dave got a deer yesterday. Even though I don't eat meat I'm glad he got a deer as I think it is good in the end - the deer herd needs thinned and it is good meat for him and the kids.

On with my day...

monday

Aug. 11th, 2008 11:02 am
summersgate: (Default)
today the Hierophant - #5



I am resistant to this card but since I drew it today I will meditate on it and see what it says to me and what it turns up for me. A religious leader - with 2 followers kneeling before him. His followers seem pretty brightly dressed - their hair is cut like monks but they are not dressed like monks - what are the big suspenders they are wearing? He holds his right hand up in a sign of benediction (is it a sign of blessing? 2 fingers raised?) - whatever that means. He has 2 keys at his feet - he doesn't hold the keys. He holds a cross with 3 cross bars and he wears a crown with 3 layers. The books talk about him being a symbol for rules, following the rules, being in groups, being an initiate to a group, he guards a temple door but not the same door that the high priestess guards (she guards the gateway to inward knowledge) - he guards the gateway to outward behavior.
~
I dreamed last night about a tiny baby being born - it was a freak baby - only a tiny round head the size of a golf ball covered with black hair, no body. It reminded me of one of the cartoon characters in Spaceballs. A council of gypsies got together to decide what to do with her. I was with them at a big breakfast table and they handed me a bunch of sweet rolls to eat - it was too many so I handed some back. They poured milk for everyone to drink and I knew the milk didn't belong to them to be giving away but I drank it anyway since everyone else was drinking it and I knew no one would blame just me. Suddenly it was the next day and the baby's fate had already been decided. They had killed her. I was disappointed - it was all over and I thought I might speak out during the council and say I would take care of her. Weird dream. Maybe I really don't want to know what it means! I'm thinking now I might. Could mom be the tiny headed baby - since her brain power has been so diminished by the dementia?



Got up early this morning (for me) at 8 am and had a some time outside before it was time to get mom up. Morning meditations in nature. Just a cup of coffee and a notebook. It was cool outside - only 60 degrees this morning but I wore my sweater. THIS is what I wish I could get myself to do everyday. But it takes getting up early and not going straight to the computer (Dave was already there so I couldn't - he saved me). That large light gray pot in front of the chair has my 2 little passion flowers growing in it. They are rooted well I think but haven't taken off in growth yet. They are already holding onto the little tripod Dave made for them though.

Today - pay bills, do banking, draw designs for enamels. I just yesterday learned about something called "entrelac" or "whiplash" designs. Claw-like and scaly, dragon wing, bat-like looking shapes. Art nouveau-ish. I want to incorporate some into the enamels now.

monday

Aug. 11th, 2008 11:02 am
summersgate: (Default)
today the Hierophant - #5



I am resistant to this card but since I drew it today I will meditate on it and see what it says to me and what it turns up for me. A religious leader - with 2 followers kneeling before him. His followers seem pretty brightly dressed - their hair is cut like monks but they are not dressed like monks - what are the big suspenders they are wearing? He holds his right hand up in a sign of benediction (is it a sign of blessing? 2 fingers raised?) - whatever that means. He has 2 keys at his feet - he doesn't hold the keys. He holds a cross with 3 cross bars and he wears a crown with 3 layers. The books talk about him being a symbol for rules, following the rules, being in groups, being an initiate to a group, he guards a temple door but not the same door that the high priestess guards (she guards the gateway to inward knowledge) - he guards the gateway to outward behavior.
~
I dreamed last night about a tiny baby being born - it was a freak baby - only a tiny round head the size of a golf ball covered with black hair, no body. It reminded me of one of the cartoon characters in Spaceballs. A council of gypsies got together to decide what to do with her. I was with them at a big breakfast table and they handed me a bunch of sweet rolls to eat - it was too many so I handed some back. They poured milk for everyone to drink and I knew the milk didn't belong to them to be giving away but I drank it anyway since everyone else was drinking it and I knew no one would blame just me. Suddenly it was the next day and the baby's fate had already been decided. They had killed her. I was disappointed - it was all over and I thought I might speak out during the council and say I would take care of her. Weird dream. Maybe I really don't want to know what it means! I'm thinking now I might. Could mom be the tiny headed baby - since her brain power has been so diminished by the dementia?



Got up early this morning (for me) at 8 am and had a some time outside before it was time to get mom up. Morning meditations in nature. Just a cup of coffee and a notebook. It was cool outside - only 60 degrees this morning but I wore my sweater. THIS is what I wish I could get myself to do everyday. But it takes getting up early and not going straight to the computer (Dave was already there so I couldn't - he saved me). That large light gray pot in front of the chair has my 2 little passion flowers growing in it. They are rooted well I think but haven't taken off in growth yet. They are already holding onto the little tripod Dave made for them though.

Today - pay bills, do banking, draw designs for enamels. I just yesterday learned about something called "entrelac" or "whiplash" designs. Claw-like and scaly, dragon wing, bat-like looking shapes. Art nouveau-ish. I want to incorporate some into the enamels now.

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