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I found the bottom one on the dining room table early in the morning as I was cleaning it off - yes - I need something to combat the fear. Love others, love myself. Concentrate on love and not fear.

The top one was the fortune I got at the Chinese buffet when Dave and I had lunch there. Seemed apt. I do need to accept this cancer, this heart condition - then I can do something about it. Or find a way to live with it. Find a way to manage it and put it on the sidelines.

The middle one was Dave's from lunch. It seemed to apply too. After eating we were heading over to look at chicken coops at Tractor and Supply. We have decided that we need to continue on as best we can, even unsure of the future. I want chickens, he wants a shed, we both want a driveway. We can pursue those things.

Today looked like a nice day to start but it is getting darker as the day goes on. Will probably rain. It is nearly 70F. I went to OA this morning - that was good. But ever since I got back home all I have wanted to do is be up for short periods and then back to bed. Very unmotivated...

I think posting photos on dreamwidth is much more time consuming than it is on LJ - it's so easy on LJ. Hopefully I have succeeded with this posting but I don't think I will bother with cross-posting from DW in the future - unless I have to.

my body

Mar. 7th, 2017 09:10 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
My body is wonderful, mysterious, stupid and it can't be trusted to tell me anything true.

Last evening I could barely walk because of the pain from the heel spur in my left foot. Then during the night the pain in my body moved. I woke up with a terrible ache in my left shoulder, no matter what position it was in. I did stay in bed and finally got back to sleep. I woke up this morning - no pain in my heel at all. Horrible ache in my left shoulder still there. Looking back - before the heel spur started I was having a very bothersome ache in my right elbow - which went away as soon as the heel started to hurt. This is not the first time I have noticed this. I've known my body is capable of this for many years - that it's not to be trusted. Traveling pains. There has to be one pain somewhere at all times. Just plain weird. I am going to the doctor on Friday for my semiannual checkup and I was going to tell him about my heel - maybe I don't have to now.

Heavy rain last night - still raining - looks like a dark day today.

Watched Moonlight last night - exceptionally well acted and worth watching. I wanted to rent it cause it had won awards - glad we did.
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This must be a sleepy, get up a little while and then go back to bed kind of day. Raining. Heard our first thunderstorm last night. Dave and I both woke up around 3 and got up - him to his computer, me to my room to enamel. We went back to bed around 6. Got up around 9 and now after breakfast (Dave made fried mush again) I'm thinking of going back to bed...

Yesterday I got a long handle that you pick up a tennis ball with and then you can throw it long distances. Hopefully later today we'll get a chance to give it a try in the lower backyard. Andy does love to fetch - he also loves to chew. We had to take tennis balls out of his toy box cause he had become an expert at tearing them apart in just a couple minutes. I'm hoping that if we keep him occupied with the outdoor and longer distance aspect of the new game it will work as something to wear him out. Also we need to remember to take along treats to give him for giving the ball back to us - that will help.
summersgate: (I R = infrared)
Andy is happy to run.

I slept and read the afternoon away today and was starting to feel better. Towards dusk Dave and Rossy wanted to take Andy for a walk down back so I got my boots on. Since it was so misty out there anyway I thought the infrared camera might make things look neat. Many photos HERE )
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Not getting much done today. I originally thought I might clean house today but it just didn't happen. What is happening is going back to bed to read, feeling a little dizzy for some reason, looking out the window at the lovely fog. I did run the dishwasher and clean up the kitchen. I did find something for Rossy that he forgot at his house and drive it to his school. I wore my new rain hat and was very glad to have it. There were a few places that water was covering the road, it was coming down that hard. I lit a balsam candle - smells good on this damp day.
summersgate: (eggshells)
Johnny will be going back to college later today and I will be on my own with any future problems, though I think I've got everything I usually want to use back in place again. But I can't find my CD for Elements 11 to reinstall it. Which is a disappointment. I liked using 11 a lot. I have a copy of 5 that I have installed but I'm not liking it much. I might need to invest in getting 15.

I reinstalled my old Office 2000 programs. They have flaws in them that I was used to working around. That is another thing that someday I should upgrade. It is dumb to have programs that don't work right.

Johnny loaded a different version of windows 7 (the one on my recovery discs didn't work) into the laptop - took windows 10 out.

We went shopping at the website that he buys his computer parts from and chose all the components for a future super desktop - someday... Till then I'm going to just limp along with the laptop and make do.

A person is supposed to come today so I can look at a ring. I went to school with him though we weren't close at all. Anyway - his brother knows Dave and found out that I do jewelry so he wants to know if I can fix an old ring. I doubt I can - though by putting some epoxy in it I might keep it from falling apart worse. He had something happen to him and he is now a paraplegic in a wheelchair. I will go out to the car when he gets here to see the ring.

summersgate: (eggshells)
Woke up feeling out of pace with the world. I was surprised to see the mailman cause it felt to me like it was Sunday. Feeling like I might have lost my past - the laptop isn't working at all now. Thinking thoughts of giving up and letting go. Is that what the universe wants me to do? I have things I could do. Taxes, business book work, the basement always awaits, jewelry that could be made - but nothing I *want* to do. Tarot cards and drawing are dead. Raining. Hazel slept last night in my studio bed so I don't have that space to retreat to. Dave tells me that they have named a species of moth after Trump. I just can not understand how I can dislike and be repulsed by a person so much and there are other people who love him so much. The way people can perceive things so differently in this world is such a mystery. Though I do believe it can be made better only by trying to put myself in other's shoes - by trying to see the similarities, rather than the differences. Unless he truly is the AntiChrist - then what?

Milo knows what to do. Posting this with my tablet. Playing around. Not sure how to get the right size of picture.
summersgate: (eggshells)
I am willing to be just another human being today - no better and no worse - just another.

It's funny how time passes differently when you are drawing. I'm measuring my time with candles now as I do my morning meditations and when I am reading and writing time goes slowly - I look up and the candle has barely gone down. But once I start to draw my picture outer time speeds up and when I look up again when I'm done the candle's always gone.

I'm still messing around with my old LJ's from years past. Collecting the info using Blogbooker but then after I get it I'm working on it in Word and reducing the size of the photos and changing some text as I'm getting it ready for printing later. But it's not going well. It seems that my laptop can't handle all this info. Keeps crashing. Johnny looked at it last night and recommends that I get a bigger hard drive since my old one (500GB) is nearly topped off. That will arrive next Tuesday. If that isn't the problem then I could try to install a new Word program. My version is very old - it came with Office 2000. I looked at the new version in Johnny's computer and it looks confusing and I'm sure I would have a hard time learning it but if that's what needs done I'm willing to do it. Doing stuff like this - fooling around with writing and pictures and being able to print things is what I love to do.

Today the plan is to meet Karen for lunch, then later come home and get Johnny and we are going out to Jo-Ann's and get some fabric adhesive for some chairs he wants to fix. Also I want to keep in mind that I have 2 jobs to do - a keyring/pendant for MnH, and a handmade book for a repeat customer. This customer wants me to make her a new journal book every year. I don't tell her that I'm really not doing handmade books anymore and just get out the stuff and do it. Sometimes I have to search the basement a while to find the materials for it.

The sun just now broke through the clouds - looks like it's going to be a dry day today. I hope.
summersgate: (eggshells)
Lunch with Nancy [personal profile] kyana today - a long time since I have seen her. Holiday visits and medical stuff and her taking a trip to Washington got in the way.

I was voicing to Nancy not feeling worthy to write on LJ lately - not knowing what to write - who to write it for. But as usual I do came back to the truth for me - which is I write it for myself first of all. And I really do like being a part of this social network. I only skim the surface of facebook - kind of like it is my duty to look at it every once in a while so I can "like" things and be supportive - but my real home is here on LJ.

Trying to teach Andy to "roll over". It is tough on me cause he wants to get involved in holding on to me (biting me) while I turn him over. I do have confidence that he will get it eventually though. It was easier to teach Tenzing that trick cause he was smaller and easier to roll over - Andy is big and lanky.

The creeks and river are very high. So much rain right now.

Hazel went to a club for her very first time tonight with a girlfriend and her mother. It is a LGBT friendly club and sounds like fun. It's called the Cruze Bar in Pittsburgh and they have college night on Thursday nights for kids under 21 who can't drink. My main concern of course is that she is safe. I'm glad the mother of the friend is going too.

I made lentil soup tonight and the vegan folks from next door have just arrived to eat some...


Jan. 4th, 2017 09:16 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
The card I got today was the Medicine Woman card from the American Indian tarot. A woman kneeling down and harvesting plants. But I changed it and had my woman planting plants - a gardener. A person beautifying the edges of a path. Something pleasant to look at and appreciate for passersby. Maybe that is what I try to do with the jewelry.

Had a couple dreams I can remember a little of. In one I had gone back to work at Polk and was working with a young very dedicated person. We went out on bedcheck and I was just looking at the people to see if they were sleeping or not (to change their diaper if they were awake) but she was checking everyone's diaper, sleeping or not. She found a lot more to do than I did so then I went back to help her change the diapers she had found. She made me feel like nothing I was doing was right - I was inadequate. Then I had another dream where Jill was giving me a bunch of narcotics that she didn't want anymore. I was going to give them to someone I knew that needed them. Mom and dad were there and questioning if it was a good idea for me to have narcotics in hand. I said it's okay - I don't have a problem with narcotics - I just have problem with food. But then Jill was showing me something on one of the bottles and it started to leak. Rather than let the liquid be wasted and lost I was drinking it all up - even though I really didn't want it. I was wondering if I should call in sick to work then cause it wouldn't be a good idea to drive (high on narcotics). My main thought when I woke up was - maybe I don't have a problem with food (or narcotics) - I have a problem with "waste". Don't want to see things wasted. Don't want to put things down and save them for later. Don't have faith that they will be there again someday. Feel it is my responsibility to put them in my body so they won't go to waste. The answer all comes back to balance and staying centered - not to be controlled by the fear of "waste" but be guided by my actual bodily needs.

Yesterday I made some really good potato/seafood soup. A big pot of it. Which will need (? - it has a need?) to be eaten now. Dave and Johnny also got all the stuff for sauerkraut so they will be eating that. The potato soup will be my responsibility. I'm thinking it is odd that I can get so concerned for the lonesome foods and my responsibility to them that they won't be wasted. Part of that is being a child of parents who went through the depression - waste not, want not. Wasting is a terrible sin.

Though - I get some of my best feelings from throwing old foods away. Looking at the dates on them (or the condition of them in the fridge) and knowing it is the right thing to get rid of them. My responsibility to them is over. Food can be such a burden.

On another subject - the sun just came out for a few moments after all the rain we have been having and I was able to catch it:
Not shining now though...
summersgate: (eggshells)
"Golden Morning" pendant - sterling, Czech glass button and champagne colored CZ. Listing HERE

Rainbows galore. I'm happy with at least a few of these.

It rained all day. Just good to stay home.

summer wing

Dec. 2nd, 2016 05:06 pm
summersgate: (eggshells)
"Summer Wing" pendant - sterling, ceramic and moon glow orange cz Listing HERE

Now I am out of pre-made pendants - though my new soldering torch should arrive by tomorrow night and I can finish some more of the things I have laid out to work on.

Thinking today how I wish it was summer - instead of cold rain falling and another dark day. I will be glad when hunting season is over too and Andy can go back to having regular runs with Dave. It's just me and Andy cooped up in the house most of the day now. Maybe the only good thing about this weather is it's a good time to cook. I just refined my recipe for creamed spinach - it's in the oven now. I used a pint of ricotta cheese, 2 cups of shredded mozzarella, 2 sauteed onions, a can of cream of mushroom soup, a teaspoon red pepper flakes and a pinch cumin with 30 ounces of frozen spinach and kale and then baked it till bubbly. I imagine it will be a little spicy with the cumin and pepper flakes but I like hot things.

I didn't get much (any) enameling done today like I hoped I would. This morning I went with Hazel so she could get some blood work done and we ate out afterwards. I had pancakes and think I OD'ed on the syrup. I am not used to that much sweet stuff and when I came home I was incredibly tired - went to bed for a long time. A little disappointed in myself.


Nov. 9th, 2016 08:12 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
My first words this morning, "it's a dark day".

I feel a little guilty - I had shut off all my connection to the political world that came in through the internet (we don't get broadcast TV so I was saved from seeing it there) and I did nothing to help the democrats (like call people or offer to do anything to help them). Just put my head in the sand cause I was so sick of it and thought they would be okay without me. I did vote.

The neighbors will be rejoicing - we are surrounded by thousands of Trumpites in this county. Maybe I can be happy for them. I don't want to sink into fear and gloom though that is what I am feeling.

It is a dark day outside too - raining.

I gave my car to Hazel today rather than drive her to school. I will be home most of the day - maybe I can get refocused. In the afternoon I am going to drive Dave's truck and have my eyes reevaluated at Sears Optical to get a new glasses prescription. Maybe I can finally get this right and be able to see close up. I haven't even wanted to do any jewelry work lately cause I can't see it. Hopefully that will change soon.

Yesterday I visited Jan and we walked around her back yard.

Beech leaves catching the sun.

A goat's head. There were 3 goat skulls hanging in this thorn tree. Jan's husband keeps pet goats and after they die (from natural causes) he hangs their skulls here.

The other two. )

fly high

Oct. 22nd, 2016 06:59 pm
summersgate: (eggshells)
"Fly High Pink Cloud" pendant - sterling and ceramic Listing HERE

Another dark and rainy day - cold too. After OA I had lunch with Berdella - she will be leaving for her winter home in Alabama soon. I always miss her over the winter. Then I came home and worked on jewelry - finished this pendant. Dave took Andy for a hunt in the woods and Andy flushed a grouse, which Dave shot. Then Andy found it and nuzzled it till Dave got there to pick it up. That is all very good! Not that I will be eating grouse but Dave does and he loves to hunt and do all that outdoorsman stuff. That was the hope - that Andy would be a hunting companion for him. The e-collar is working. We are getting more control over Andy. It has cut down on his barking when he is outside and he can walk on a leash now too. Dave is getting much better control when he is loose in the woods too.


Oct. 21st, 2016 08:53 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
Thank you for your kind comments about Dave's eyes. I think we both are in a state of grieving the loss of health. At this age more and more things are starting to go wrong. Though, of course it could be worse. There is always that thought and remembering what we are grateful for - in general we still are pretty healthy and get outside and do lots of things.

Right now it's not a time to get out and do anything though. Rain again today and dark - cold. I did finish painting the grout on the mosaic with metallic paint yesterday and I really do think it turned out well. I'll get a good picture later of it. I still have to fix the glass globs that lost their color (I ordered same stained glass paint that I hope will work) and then I will be done and can deliver it - yay! For today I can get back to some jewelry work - the perfect thing for a rainy day. And too I have some paperwork that needs done that I can do in the living room and watch Andy at the same time.

Favorite foods right now: boiled chestnuts, tortilla corn chips and fresh apple cider! That's what I had for dinner last night and I hope to have it for lunch today too.
summersgate: (eggshells)

Dave and I went to the eye doctor yesterday. He to find out why he has a blurry spot in the middle of his eyesight in one eye and me to get a prescription for new glasses. We got the bad news that Dave has wet macular degeneration in the problem eye and a case of dry macular degeneration in the other. He hasn't smoked in many years. That could have been a possible cause. He got a prescription for special vitamins that might help slow it down and he will go to a specialist in Meadville next week. I feel sad. I guess that is the main emotion. I am trying to generate hopefulness cause there could be hope it can get stopped or slowed down so that he doesn't lose his sight. We will have to do what we have to do. One treatment might be to get an injection into the back of his eyeball. Sounds awful. We will know more after next week.

We had a very heavy rain storm this morning. Thursday is the day I drive Hazel to her classes in Meadville and I could hardly see to drive a lot of the way. The younger grandboys were waiting for their bus in the dark, in the rain, and the bus drove right past them then it stopped at the next house (where there are no kids) so they ran to get on it there. Just as they got near the bus the driver closed the door and drove off. So when I got back from Meadville I drove them to school too. While they were waiting for me to get back with the truck Dave took their wet jackets and dried them in the drier and made them hot cereal. I miss the days when the grandkids were little and came over every morning to wait for the bus. We barely see them anymore.

The rain seems to be over for the moment. The sunshine is hitting the maple tree outside my window and reflecting yellow light into my room from the golden leaves.

I've been painting the grout with metallic paints. I did the first coat a couple days ago and then could see where it could be adjusted so did more painting this morning. I still need to figure out some kind of transparent yellow paint I can use on certain glass globs that I used. They were stupid in that the color was only on the outside and I didn't know that till after they were grouted in place and the color rubbed off. That is a problem that will need fixed before the whole thing is done.


Oct. 2nd, 2016 10:39 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
Though it isn't rainy at the moment - it's brightening up a bit now. This was made earlier in the morning:


Those words on the right are some ideas I hope to use in future mosaics. The plan is to make small pieces - 9" x 12" that will be easy to ship. The main idea will be expressed with ceramic parts and I will fill in the background with stained glass mosaic. I have so much stained glass! A 2' x 4' plywood board (that I can have cut by the folks at HomeDepot) will yield 10 small mosaics. Then I can have Dave cut me metered corners for the frames here at home to fit around the edges. I've been plotting the purchase of the stuff I will need.

I've done all the upstairs avoiding I can on this Sunday morning - time to get to the basement and see if those colors I choose last night still look good to me.

more colors

Oct. 1st, 2016 06:34 pm
summersgate: (eggshells)
Trying out colors in the sky and fields today on the mosaic. Mosaic photo )

I thought up a new game to play with Andy. Zombie. He gets to run away from me while I am the zombie. All I have to do is hold my arms out, growl and move towards him and he runs all around like a nut. Good way to use up his energy.

Raining today. The sky has that weird yellow color at the moment.


Sep. 9th, 2016 08:24 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
I spent most all day yesterday in the basement painting glaze on what I (once again) hope will be the last of the mosaic parts. Soon I will go down there and load the kiln and maybe by tonight I will be able to see how they turned out. It will be fun to take photos of all the pretties if they succeed.

I also want to go see the opening of the art show at the Graffiti Galley in Oil City tonight - my book will be in it and I'm curious to see the other art people have entered on the theme of healing.

I didn't get outside at all yesterday. Very hot day and in the evening we had a big storm - the lights were flickering.

It looks damp outside at the moment but the weatherman doesn't predict any more rain this morning.

Yesterday they reopened the bridge up the road from us. Since June first it has been closed. Having the detour made for a nice quiet few months. Now everything is back to normal with cars and trucks zooming by constantly. I have always found it annoying how long you might have to wait just to get across the road to get the mail. Well, I did enjoy the calm while we had it. One good thing now though is that I can take my bike back out on the little local roads. I didn't want to while the detour was happening cause there was so much more traffic on the little roads then.
summersgate: (eggshells)
Two outings today. This morning Jan and I hiked 2.5 miles around McKeever. Hot and sweaty but we found a shady, breezy place to rest at the half way point - a bench on the upper swamp. It was easier coming back down the hill. And tonight Sebby and I biked around Lake Wilhelm. Beautiful. Biking into the dark. Fireflies. Flashlights lighting our way. I love the feeling of movement while biking. On the way there and back in the car he plays me music from his tablet. He likes Incubus. Some songs I really like, others too angry. That's part of our time together when we go places - I get to hear his music.

At the moment we are watching the 1971 film, Johnny Got His Gun. What an amazingly sad and excellent antiwar movie! Another story by Dalton Trumbo and directed by him too.

Raining. Hard. The rain sounds in waves across the back porch roof.


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