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I found the bottom one on the dining room table early in the morning as I was cleaning it off - yes - I need something to combat the fear. Love others, love myself. Concentrate on love and not fear.

The top one was the fortune I got at the Chinese buffet when Dave and I had lunch there. Seemed apt. I do need to accept this cancer, this heart condition - then I can do something about it. Or find a way to live with it. Find a way to manage it and put it on the sidelines.

The middle one was Dave's from lunch. It seemed to apply too. After eating we were heading over to look at chicken coops at Tractor and Supply. We have decided that we need to continue on as best we can, even unsure of the future. I want chickens, he wants a shed, we both want a driveway. We can pursue those things.

Today looked like a nice day to start but it is getting darker as the day goes on. Will probably rain. It is nearly 70F. I went to OA this morning - that was good. But ever since I got back home all I have wanted to do is be up for short periods and then back to bed. Very unmotivated...

I think posting photos on dreamwidth is much more time consuming than it is on LJ - it's so easy on LJ. Hopefully I have succeeded with this posting but I don't think I will bother with cross-posting from DW in the future - unless I have to.

today

Apr. 14th, 2017 11:06 am
summersgate: (Default)
page from For Today
A reading from For Today that spoke to me.

I'm finding myself to be in a bad mood a lot lately - especially with Andy. No patience with his barking or lunging at the cats. Acknowledging feelings should help to cope with them.

I have the number to call the breast cancer society but don't want to - don't want to talk about that yet - don't want to face it or even learn more right now. Though I know that would be helpful in the long run. I don't feel strong enough. Whenever I start reading about it my heart starts pounding and I feel weak. I am doing the thing where I go back to bed over and over again all day - my go-to mode when I'm stressed out. But now I am thinking it's not just stress alone that makes me do that - it has been this heart condition (RBBB) all along.

Anyway.

Posting this on dreamwidth just to try that out and see if that would work for cross-posting. I found the place that allows me to upload photos. Still not leaving LJ - and probably never will - but I want to learn more about my options.

processing

Apr. 12th, 2017 09:23 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
4-12-17-helpless-and-hurtin
Helpless and hurting. Another period of waiting now to see what the biopsy of the lymph gland says. They have put chemotherapy back on the table as something that might happen. I originally thought it was very unlikely, now they say it might be a possibility. I don't think "they" tell the whole truth - they don't want to alarm you ahead of time if they don't have to - it's on a need to know basis. I feel so dumb. As a complication after the surgery (which itself went well) I had an episode of very low heart rate (44 beats per minute) and felt deathly ill, dizzy and sick. They kept me at the hospital overnight. Now I will be wearing a heart monitor for the next month - more stuff hanging from my hurting chest. I have a thing called Right Bundle Branch Block (RBBB) in my heart - which they tell me isn't that bad in itself and there is nothing they can do about it. That's why I feel dumb - I don't really understand why I need to have the heart monitor. But then maybe this is one of these things that is bad - and I will find out how bad later. They just don't want to alarm me yet. But I am alarmed.

I wish I could cry - I'm crying inside but it doesn't make its way outside. Have to be brave, be stoic, don't worry others, don't let others feel sorry for you, make a joke, feel the pain, horror, sadness, grief, fear only for a moment then stuff it back inside.

But the good thing is:
I am allowed to walk all I want. Biking isn't allowed for quite a while but walking is a good exercise. I won't be able to wear my big pack with all the stuff I like to carry in case of emergency on hikes - will need to travel light instead. Actually Candy says she will carry my pack for me if I want - so there.
Can't drive for about a week, no heavy lifting (grocery bags, cat litter or dog food bags) for 2 or 3 weeks, no vacuuming (yay!), no window washing (...as if I would want to), or heavy use of that arm. It is my left arm that is involved so that is good - I should be okay for jewelry work cause I am right handed. I should rest as much as possible - time for healing now. Make the most of that - take it easy.

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