I wish I had white hair, among other things...
I wish I knew how to train a dog without yelling,
without losing my temper.
I wish I knew how to be patient, like a buddha,
like a rock.
I wish I could stop causing problems.
I wish I could find the place where joy lived.
I wish I could find happiness.
I wish I could be the opposite of what I feel inside.
When you wish for something you are reaching for it. It hurts when you don't have it. Wishing is figuring out and declaring what you do want.
I have been losing patience with Andy. After a while it just started to seem that he was doing all this stuff (getting on the couch over and over again with forbidden sloppy chew toys, biting his leash when we try to take him for a walk, not coming when called, dragging our shoes around) cause he is a BAD DOG. And we needed to TRAIN it out of him. Zero tolerance. Which came to mean we were trying harder and harder to turn him into a perfect robot dog. Not going to happen. The more angry we got that he wasn't doing what we wanted the worse he was getting. Till we read something this morning and the light bulb came on - Labs are very social and playful and love to chew things. They love attention
- even negative attention. And he was getting a lot of that. He was getting what he wanted from us, even if it was negative. But we were not getting what we wanted from him - which was a calm, lovable dog. This experience of having a very active puppy has been bringing out the worst side of my personality. I can be very controlling, angry, vindictive, impatient, depressed with anger that turns inward, hopeless, withdrawn. But for this situation I need to be the opposite. I need to find the joy, find the love for another inside me, need to be playful and forgiving. Andy truly has a good heart. He has never done anything cause he is a mean dog
. He just wants to play practically all the time he is awake. As one relief I have decided that I will not hesitate to calmly and lovingly put him in his crate whenever I get tired of him. That will be better than getting angry at him. I deserve calm and he deserves kindness.
I knew having a puppy was going to be hard, just didn't know it would be this much of a test for me.
On another topic. We watched the movie "Room" last night - about a young woman who was held captive by a man in one room for 7 years - she had her 5 year old boy with her. It sounds like a horror story but it was very uplifting. You might cry but I don't mind that in a movie.