summersgate: (eggshells)
I really liked how the colored xmas lights looked around the front window this winter (you could see them from inside during the night) and left them burning till just recently. Then I got the idea to get some strings of white led lights for inside to brighten things up around here.

night-living-room
Last night I woke up around 4 am, like I do so often, and sat and crocheted while listening to music - enjoying the lights. I thought to take some pictures of the lights as dawn was arriving. You can barely see Yoshi up on her haunches looking forward to the sun rise.

studio-art-table
Just now I put up another string under the shelves and around the ceiling in my studio room.

Tomorrow is the operation. Supposed to be at the hospital at 10. Nothing after midnight tonight. I have felt kind of stressed out and dull today. Though I did get some things done that I wanted to do. Washed two loads of clothes and changed the sheets on the bed, cooked a dozen and a half hard boiled eggs and made a big pot of vegetable soup. Jules invited us over for tacos for dinner - that was nice. Afterwards we looked at his car, which had hit a deer yesterday while Hazel was driving into town. The car might be totaled. That could be a good thing. Jules has been wanting to get a new one. Just before dark Dave took Andy in his truck and I drove my car so I could drop it off to be inspected tomorrow. On the way back we were all together and stopped at an intersection when a fire truck went by, siren blaring, and Andy howled along with it. Funny. Earlier I wanted to go biking and Dave and Rossy put a new tire on my bike but then I felt very tired and my chest hurt - I had no energy so we didn't go. I feel like my traveling pain has traveled into the middle of my chest and put its ache there now. Any exertion makes it hurt. I think it is "fight or flight" time and I can't do either. Talking to my sister tonight and that helped me relax. Maybe I just need to BREATHE more.
summersgate: (eggshells)
I write things here cause I like to read them later - or see pictures of where I have been - remember things - things that can be public.

jpopstudio-mug-left
More from Jenny Pope's studio.

I got this mug as a gift yesterday from Dave's niece Brandi. She said she just wanted to get me something to help me through, you know, the experience of cancer - something bright and cheerful. I didn't know much about her or her personality before this cause her dad, Dave's brother Bruce (who just died) divorced Brandi's mom a long time ago and I just didn't see his girls much after that (though Dave did). Came to find that she is an extraordinarily wonderful and thoughtful person (not just cause of this gift) but in so many other ways. She is the executor of the will and is handling everything in a gentle and kind way. There are problems (that I don't want to write about here) but she is handling everything so calmly and with sympathy.

Today is the day I see the oncologist. I still need to write down the questions I want to take with me. Thankfully the appointment is in the afternoon and I have the whole morning free. That feels very good. Yesterday Dave and I went back to State College again to help out with the will and dispersal of Bruce's things. Such a long day. Six hours of driving and then all the emotions while there. We both need a day to decompress after going.

I long for time to just sit in my studio making a new piece of jewelry. After looking at this mug I feel inspired to do something with butterflies. I long for bike rides and more hikes. I long for life to go back to what is was before. But for now I need to get a shower and then write down those questions. Maybe I will get a little time to work on jewelry after that...

I dreamed last night that [livejournal.com profile] zyzyly had found a little beagle dog with a cut on its forehead and wanted me to help hold it for him while he stitched the cut up. The dog was asleep or very groggy so it was easy to hold - I just needed to keep its head in the right position for him. He was very competent and quick with his stitching. Afterwards the dog was still groggy and I needed to hold it to keep it safe and still while it recovered. I imagine in the dream I am the beagle and Zyzyly represents the world of medicine. I am turning myself over to that world now and trusting.
summersgate: (eggshells)
Life recently has been:
Feeling anger at liars and addicts and how they make life difficult for the rest of us.
Working at letting go of anger and trying to understand.
Driving long distances with Dave to funerals or family visits.
Keeping up with the animals we have - making sure the cats are fed everyday, the cat litter is cleaned, the dog is fed and cared for, the bird feeders outside are filled, and Yoshi! (silent lizard in a glass box - easy to forget).
Bills are paid, mail looked at.
Tried to get the car inspected before yesterday - now it is illegal to drive it.
Wishing I could sleep a full night so I won't be so tired all day. I am happy if I can make it till 5 - even 4 looks good.
Finding proper foods to eat - not doing very good at that - my breakfast that I am eating as I write this is what is left in the bottom of a bag of SunChips. I long for apple pie.
Talking to people - minimizing my feelings, watching my words and guarding myself - very tiring.

Yesterday we took Andy with us to State College rather than leaving him in his box at home (with the grandkids coming over after school to let him out). He likes car rides and I almost think the excitement of riding in the car tires him out as much as a big run in the woods would. We needed to take along his travel box and put him in it while we were inside talking to Dave's family and when we ate in a restaurant but most of the day he got to sit in the backseat watching for things (at one point 6 deer ran across the road in front of the car and Andy saw them!), sniffing the air from the window or leaning his head on our shoulders. The day was very rainy. Driving at 70 mph in heavy rain on an interstate highway (or driving at less than 70 with everyone around you passing you at 70) is stressful. There was a place when we got to the top of a mountain nearing State College where there was thick fog - actually I think what happened is we got up into the cloud layer that was raining on us before cause the rain seemed to stop then. Difficult driving - good to get home and finally relax last night. I'm hoping we won't have to deal with any more of the problems that Dave's brother left behind (for a few weeks) and maybe we can get back to a normal life again - work through the grief of losing him without other issues.

tuesday

Mar. 24th, 2015 11:25 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
3-24-15-two-of-pentacles-GoldenTarot
two of pentacles - Golden Tarot

I am the one who...
juggles two things at once, into infinity. There are 2 ships in the background - the one on the right looks like it is flying up into the air, which I thought was interesting since I will be taking a plane up into the air tomorrow and that is what is on my mind today. It looks like the figure is underground though, in a depression, the sea in the background is higher than the land. The person looks a little doubtful that they can keep things spinning in place. I feel that way too. I don't feel terribly confident at the moment, but I know I will feel better once I am on my way. That's the way it always is - so nervous before hand but once I am committed and truly started the worries will fall away and it will become an adventure. My main worry: Oo-tapo will pass away while I am gone. I worry about that every time I go away but this year I think it will happen, or very soon after I get back. He eats hardly anything anymore - is skin and bones. He gets up and walks around, comes for attention, sleeps comfortably - so I don't think I should put him to sleep - he has no misery to be relieved from. It is we who suffer from seeing him so ratty instead. I don't know why I worry about not being here. He could and would die even if I am here - I can't keep him alive, I know that. I guess I want to be here to supervise it, make sure he's not alone. I have to let go of that.

Juggling - packing, checking things off the list, paying last minute bills, checking bank account figures, doing dishes, watching a netflix movie (Foxcatcher) so it can go back, changing sheets and doing laundry. Time to fill the bird feeders one last time. Yesterday I went shopping and I found a pair of lightweight khaki color pants and 3 different types of pens. After I got them home I found that none were as good as the original Atlantis. But then in looking around in drawers I found 3 older Atlantis pens that had never been used so I'm set anyway.

traveling-pages-3-24-15

I decided to take loose pages and draw and write on them while I am gone - then I won't have so much to carry. I can insert them into my big journal when I get back. That's what I did last year too. This is my first page which Gabe has already written something on - his signature G+G heart and the words, "have a wonderful trip in florida 3/23/15" - a very sweet sendoff. I think it is interesting that the collage picture for this page is something I found in an old National Geographic - a story about people who raise reindeer. This is a photo of a young reindeer being taken on a raft. They needed to bundle it up and tie it safely down so it wouldn't hurt itself while traveling. I can very much relate to needing extra care while being taken away from home.
summersgate: (Default)
Dave and I tried to shop for chairs last night but all the stores we could find were already closed. Then I went out by myself this afternoon and was shocked at how expensive all the chairs that I liked were. And I found out the the real way to get new chairs - if you are serious - is to pick out a style you like and then choose a fabric and then wait a few weeks for them to get them in. If I did pick out some chairs then they would only be the floor models anyway. I got one of those migraines where you see the pretty flashing lights this afternoon and figured it was a sign. Too much stress. I have enough stress right now and not enough time to really get into this chair problem. So when I got home I ordered some of these in the brown color - going to just cover up the problem and be done with it for now. I felt such a rush of relief after I made that decision.


planning stages

This shows on the left the first stage of this piece. I actually enameled the wings to match the 3 elements in the middle. Then I thought I didn't like it - too much glitter so I switched out the head and body for something not so shiny. Then I didn't like the shape of the copper body and the turquoise tail was too intense so I went for something even smaller and simpler. I like it now. So that is what I'm going to be making next. I'm calling it "April".
summersgate: (Default)
Dave and I tried to shop for chairs last night but all the stores we could find were already closed. Then I went out by myself this afternoon and was shocked at how expensive all the chairs that I liked were. And I found out the the real way to get new chairs - if you are serious - is to pick out a style you like and then choose a fabric and then wait a few weeks for them to get them in. If I did pick out some chairs then they would only be the floor models anyway. I got one of those migraines where you see the pretty flashing lights this afternoon and figured it was a sign. Too much stress. I have enough stress right now and not enough time to really get into this chair problem. So when I got home I ordered some of these in the brown color - going to just cover up the problem and be done with it for now. I felt such a rush of relief after I made that decision.


planning stages

This shows on the left the first stage of this piece. I actually enameled the wings to match the 3 elements in the middle. Then I thought I didn't like it - too much glitter so I switched out the head and body for something not so shiny. Then I didn't like the shape of the copper body and the turquoise tail was too intense so I went for something even smaller and simpler. I like it now. So that is what I'm going to be making next. I'm calling it "April".

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