ace of cups

Apr. 6th, 2017 07:23 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
The ace of cups, beginning of emotion, the start of feeling, the sprouting of compassion, breaking through of love, an offering of heightened affection. My meditation reading this morning was on self-love and I was thinking about how we hear all the time that we have to love ourselves before we can love others. If I can't forgive myself (a person who I know intimately) then how can I expect to forgive others? We all need forgiven together.

I feel like the news I got at the oncologist yesterday was "good news". If a person has to have breast cancer then I've got the best kind. It's small, it can be helped with hormone therapy and so far it appears not to have spread to the lymph glands - they will know more about that after the operation. I'm active and pretty healthy to start with and it might be a good thing that I'm a little overweight - the loss of some breast tissue won't be as noticeable. The operation is this coming Monday. I will have 3 weeks to heal from that before I start the radiation. Radiation will happen 5 days a week (Monday through Friday) for 4 to 6 weeks. Then I will start hormone therapy - taking a pill once a day for 5 years.

Something I want to do - start writing my food down as I eat it - just to be more aware. For a while there I lost my appetite and when I did eat I wasn't eating very much but the food I was eating wasn't very good for me - too much sweets and high in fat. I want to make a little book that I can carry with me to keep track of my food. But then I think I will need to make a little crocheted bag to carry it - so now this has become an arts/crafts project too.

I don't understand why everyone is so upset that LJ has asked us to sign a new user agreement. Everywhere you go you have to sign user agreements. And then as years go by you have to re-sign them. Maybe I'm missing something but I don't understand what the big problem is. I'm not going anywhere. I wish others weren't. I like to read the people on my friend's list and I don't want to have to go to multiple other places to do that - I won't go to multiple blogging platforms to read - I'm too lazy to do that. I certainly won't go to FB to do my writing - what I like to write about isn't appropriate for that place. Oh well...
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One of the decks I got recently is called the Universal Transparent tarot. I like the way it looks when the cards are stacked and have a depth to them. A couple more HERE. )
summersgate: (eggshells)
Because I am a mainly a morning writer I think I write about different things than a lot of the writing I see here on LJ. I don't have a day to recount - I have dreams and feelings that have come up during the night to deal with and put in their proper place. Many times I wake up weighed down with doom and helplessness. It is during my morning meditation time that I try to get back to or reach a place of hope and balance that I can carry with me through the day.

The card is from the Paulina tarot deck. Perhaps I will see this as a reminder to concentrate on being a good partner today.

It snowed all day yesterday - off and on. I never did get out for a walk - I had an urge to go to Two Mile Run but that frittered away as the day went on. Rossy was over here and he and Johnny were playing video games together and I didn't want to break that up. Dave took Andy hunting. I wish I could drive my car in the snow but I don't feel safe with it anymore. A couple times so far this winter I have had it stuck in the driveway. Something happened to the transmission during the summer and it has no 4 wheel drive anymore. We have an appointment to have it looked at on Jan 10th. Dave says he will drive me in the truck if I want to go somewhere today. I would like to get some fat quarters and lots of cheap rice so I can make the microwave heating pads.

Last night Johnny and I made 2 versions of tacos - venison and veggie burger - and then invited Jules and his boys over. It was nice to have everyone here for that. Andy entertained us with his tricks.

The snow is picking up. Looking whiter and whiter out there as the morning goes on.
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I wrote about the tarot cards and my drawing earlier but just at the moment I went to post it a blob of snow must have fallen into an important area of the satellite disc and I lost it.

This morning I used the Transparent Tarot deck - a deck I really like a lot. You can layer the cards and get meanings from them interacting with each other.

My drawing. I see it as letting go of the past and the future. Standing on the wreckage of the past and letting the ethereal future float on by, while staying centered in the present moment. Something I need to remind myself to do constantly.

We woke up to a winter wonderland this morning. It's already starting to melt a bit. I did get out to the mailbox - had a package I wanted to make sure the mailman got. Now I have very few plans for my day. Shower, work on some enameling, get out again for another walk in the snow.


Dec. 28th, 2016 08:43 am
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Five of Swords - the Druid Craft tarot deck. This is the second time I have got this particular card in less than a week - got it last Friday too. I just don't like this card much. Don't like the image of a man winning (taking everything) and looking smug while his vanquished opponent has to walk away dejectedly with nothing. I don't know how to apply this to myself. I tend to relate to the vanquished one on the card, not the winner. Maybe I need to see my dislike of this kind of winner as my message to be a kinder person today. Not let someone else have to go away in a dejected state. I have no idea how to relate to my drawing of the eye and the swords. Don't know what it is saying. Not sure why I drew it that way. Uninspired.

Last night Andy got a pillow and chewed it while we weren't looking. I would have thrown the pillow away but Dave sewed the tear in the pillow so it wouldn't get any worse - I just think it was funny how he did it. I would have tried to hide the "bite" not accentuate it.


Looking forward to getting out and taking a walk with Jan today. My walking/hiking has really fallen by the wayside lately. Looks like most all the snow has melted - maybe we can walk in the woods too.
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Today I used this mini tarot deck. It is so tiny you really can't see the images without a magnifying glass (at least I can't). But the book has the images larger so you can look them up there if you can just figure out what they are supposed to be. Today it is The Moon.

My drawing. Kind of generic. An owl flies in. There are 2 branches. 5 stars. I was thinking this morning that we only have 5 more days of 2016. The bad part of 2016 was all this stupid political stuff and the fear for our future that I have now. But personally my own year was good. I got out for lots of outdoor stuff and got that mosaic done that had been weighing on me. Dave discovered that he has macular degeneration - not a good year there. We got Andy - good and bad there but now I would say it has worked out well and it is good and getting better all the time.

Still thinking about how to get my life into balance. Yesterday my food was good - I left the pile of cookies and candy on the counter alone. But I crocheted nearly ALL DAY. I will burn out soon with crochet and never get this blanket done if I keep it up at that pace. I did take a little break to drive out to Two Mile Run. Johnny and I were going to go for a hike but by the time we got there it was raining really hard and we gave up. Ideally I want to have varied days with lots of things happening - outings, work on jewelry, time with people, cleaning and organizing, cooking healthy meals. I have to guide and control my "all or nothing" personality somehow. Of course thinking about it right now, each morning, and planning my day is a good way to do that.


Dec. 26th, 2016 07:39 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
Offering. I got the the King of Swords card this morning but this is what came out of it for me. I think the drawing is saying that we choose what we look at. The hand is offering a sword but the person is choosing to look at the butterfly on the sword instead.

As happens very often to me I see (once again) I am out of balance. With my food, with my activities (all I want to do is crochet!). I did quite a bit of cleaning and reorganizing in the basement yesterday and then Chloe and Mike removed a bed, large dresser and chair, plus some tubs and that created a lot of room down there. I got a really good feeling from that and it should encourage me to move forward and do even more but somehow I doubt it will - cause I am not a very balanced person. I feel abnormal. Other people can seem to keep up with their house and their possessions but I can't. I need to strive to be NORMAL. When I first started the 12 step programs 25 years ago one of the very first things I learned about myself was that I was out of balance - and that I should work to become more balanced if I wanted to be a better person. Anyway - today I will attempt to be more balanced.
Food - 3 moderate meals without "crap" foods.
Do a bit more in the basement - even if it is only for 1/2 an hour.
Get back to jewelry/stone/enameling work again - that is my business and I need to do it.

My life should have all these in balance:
work for livelyhood
other people
time for spiritual meditation
proper food

Though - this on another subject: there is always the political world out there beyond my little circle. Like the sword and butterfly image - I want to choose to look at the butterfly rather than the sword. I want peace in my life. When I read the news or hear the political news all I can do it feel hopeless and sad and angry. Not peaceful. Frightened. I try and insulate myself from it. Am I out of balance there too?
summersgate: (eggshells)
Serendipitously the card I chose from the Golden Tarot deck this morning was this one. It looks like the morning after Jesus' birth - papa Joseph is cooking a meal and mama Mary is admiring the baby - all the wise men, angels and shepherds have gone away and it is the start of a quiet ordinary day. The wheel of fortune in the upper left is there to tell us that things go in cycles - good and bad - always changing. Don't struggle - go with the flow.

I thought we would have a very non-busy day today but that has changed. Chloe and Mike are ready to get the bedroom furniture for their new house from our basement and want to do it today. Good! But that means that I will have to do a lot of cleaning up down there before they get here. The thing (cleaning and sorting through stuff) that I have been trying to force myself to do lately (with no result) is going to be forced on me today (with result)!

I worked up 3 squares last night with the new yarn just to see how it would do - I love it! I love those colors. I'm figuring that since each square is 6" and I will need to make the blanket 7.5 feet square then I will need to make 225 of these. Sounds like a lot but if I was to make only 3 each evening (while watching TV with Dave) then I would be done in only about 2 and 1/2 months. Sounds like a nice long term project - if I don't get distracted. I do have a tendency to want to give up projects if they take too long.
summersgate: (eggshells)
Good morning Christmas Eve Day. It'll be a busy day today. First we will go over and watch the grandkids open the presents they are getting from their dad, then Johnny and I will go shopping, there will be foods that need fixed and cleaning to be done, dinner for the family tonight and present opening again. Then the grandkids will be heading off to their mom's house for the rest of the weekend. Actual Christmas Day (Sunday) will be rather dull I imagine. Holiday weekends can get me all mixed up as to what day it is. This year it might be good with the holidays happening on Saturday and Sunday.

Today's drawing. Taken from a small detail in the "#49 Honors" card in the Dream Inspiration deck. Lots of other confusing stuff going on in the image but these 2 hands clasped in trust seemed to be a good thing to concentrate on.

I got some beautiful yarn yesterday called Red Heart Unforgettable in the Polo color:
I want to make a granny square blanket with it and give it to Chloe as a gift. The colors remind me of her. As the yarn works up it is supposed to be self color changing and I won't have to stop to tie in new colors all the time like regular granny squares. Then after I see how that goes I'd like to make a blanket for Johnny in the Dragonfly color:
dragonfly unforgettable yarn
That should keep me busy for quite a while in the coming year.

up at 5 am

Dec. 23rd, 2016 07:19 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
Getting up at 5 isn't that odd for me really. I think I have started Old People Sleeplessness. Or maybe it should be called Old People Short Sleep Cycle. I only need a few hours of sleep in the night and then I am ready to go again.

The card from the Vision Quest tarot deck I was looking at said the word "fear" - I chose to write "let go of fear". I have many fears, if I chose to think of them. Or I can have no fear if I stay in this present moment.

I made crocheted snowflakes (stars and 6 pointed stars) yesterday. I thought I don't really want to climb up into the attic and get out the Christmas decorations - instead I will just make some new ones and hang them on our indoor Norfolk Island pine. Here's a primsa app version photo I took of it last night:

Those red ribbons in the center came as decorations on rawhide dog chews that we got for Andy. They were huge - about 2 feet long and made up as Christmas presents to give your dog. I bought a bunch of them cause that is the only way to get rawhide chews that large. Andy loves them and prances around the house with them for about 15 minutes before he even starts to chew. He also lays them on the ground and makes love to them, rubbing on them before he starts chewing, manipulating them with his paws, flopping himself all around on them. He is a real chewer and I think we are very fortunate that we have got this far with him only ruining one pair of my shoes - but we keep him well supplied with toys, nylabones, stuffed kongs and rawhide.

I might try and get another photo of the tree in good light today. I like the snowflake/stars a lot and might make bigger more elaborate ones today to hang other places. I have become a "crafty person".
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It only gets lighter from here, and ironically colder...

The Four of Cups. A reminder to pay attention to what is being offered to us - it is right in front of our eyes if we are willing to see it.

Dave went out to Two Mile Run Lake with Andy last night to check the ice and he thinks it will be okay to go ice fishing there today. Andy had fun running and sliding on the ice. Dave said Andy would run at him as fast as he could then stop and slide past him - over and over.

I was busy yesterday - didn't even have time to do my morning meditations or make a drawing. Driving Jules to work in the morning, going with Dave to get Johnny, breakfast with Alison and her mom, shopping, picking up Jules from work, shopping again and then we all went to Sebby's Christmas concert, putting together cards for the mailman, newspaper lady and garbage man, gathering the garbage and taking it out. Now today seems to be a day with nothing planned. Will have to see what transpires. I could set up a little Christmas tree on a table in the living room. And/or I could clean up an area in the basement to make it easier for Johnny to work and fix some chairs he brought home. I'm not going to worry about jewelry for a while.


Dec. 19th, 2016 07:01 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
She reaches too late - the rose is dead now. That is her sorrow - she is always too late. Even though she is the goddess of monthly time it doesn't help her with the minutes or days. But she puts on a good face anyway.

A new week. The week before Christmas. People ask, are you ready for Christmas? No. Yes. No. Do I have to be ready?

That's why I don't like holidays much. Time is supposed to arbitrarily stop and everything turns itself over to the holiday. Foods are supposed to be prepared and eaten. The mail doesn't come. Decorations are supposed to come out and then go back away again. I'm supposed to be "ready". And if I'm not ready?

Yesterday I dismantled the flower centerpiece that we were given for Thanksgiving. I had let it dry out to see which flowers could be salvaged. There were intense blue ones with sharp spurs around the flower's base that pricked if you held them the wrong way. There were roses whose petals had all turned brown except for a beautiful pinkish red rim around the top edge of each. There were big daisy-ish flowers with yellow petals that were easy to pluck out. I put the flower petals in baggies. Someday I might use them to make handmade paper.

I switched over last night to making colorful granny square cotton dishcloths. It is amazing how much faster they work up than the regular knit or crochet ones I was making before. I made 3 in one evening - compared to just one a night before.


These are gifts - part of getting ready for Christmas. Or just something I want to do - I might give them away all year long too. Have a pile I keep near the door that I can reach into and give one or two away whenever I feel like it. Dishcloths are disposable - they are always getting old and worn out. Dave does that with flashlights. He buys bunches of them cheap from ebay and then he'll give them away to people just out of the blue. I like that idea better than having to "get ready for Christmas".


Dec. 17th, 2016 07:43 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
Seven of Pentacles from the Tarot of Metamorphosis and my drawing. I could hardly figure out what the card was showing except for the little spaceman in the lower left looking at the broken old machinery or whatever it is in the sand. My drawing is an attempt to draw a skeleton from memory. My memory isn't that good. I guess I will take the meaning from of all this that it is time to wake up and sing - since I felt inspired to put a bird there. Even things that are dead can be awakened. My morning meditations seemed to be saying it is time to let go of the past and let go of harsh judgments. I can, and do, let go and forgive myself and others in the distant past - it is the recent past that I have a problem with.

Yesterday was another day where what I thought would happen didn't. The weather and life just don't go according to my schedule I guess. It is good to stay open and be willing to go with the flow. Johnny decided not to come home till Tuesday but Dave and I did get out for a drive and I picked up some more cotton yarn in attractive colors. We also had lunch at Valley Dairy. They have good fried fish.

Yesterday they were predicting freezing rain for this morning. I imagined all traffic would be coming to a stop but they are traveling okay on the highway out front. Of course the salt truck just came by about an hour ago. It might be worse on the little roads.


Dec. 16th, 2016 06:46 am
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I woke up troubled this morning and was trying to figure out how to let go of some resentments and anger I was feeling. As I was pulling a card from the deck I was more curious than usual what kind of image I would get that would help. Kind of a shock to see this. But then it makes sense. The keywords for Death are traditionally supposed to be: endings, beginnings, change, transformation, transition. But of course to get there (to transformation) one has to let go (die). The ego (in me) has to die so I can finally let go of this resentment and attitude of blame. Treasures form underground from the rubble of past things and new growth comes up from there. I can hope anyway.

Death has another meaning for me today. Kathy told me about how one of her friends was killed yesterday in a freak accident. One minute everything is fine and the next moment her life is gone. Really makes one wonder about life. We have no control! We think we do but we don't.

Very cold this morning. 5F. I suppose I should put that in perspective as later this winter I'm sure it will get even colder - getting down to 10 or 20 below - it always does at some point.

We will be bringing Johnny home for holiday break today. Yay - it will be good to have him here for a while. Though we need to accept that all our monthly internet allowance to be gone as soon as he gets here. His computer seems to suck it all away almost immediately. It's at 68% right now - will see what it is tomorrow at this time. I hope I am wrong.
summersgate: (eggshells)
The Moon. That card on the left is from The Tarot of the Spirit deck. Mysteries of the night. My drawing ended up looking like the moon is holding the earth up like a crystal ball and examining it. I like those little squiggles that they used and used them too. The moon and the earth are melding and coming together. There is an attraction. I guess I will take this drawing to mean I should try and relate more to others and be understanding of situations today.

My mind lately has been full of granny squares. I have been knitting and crocheting cotton washcloths for Christmas presents when I have spare time and from there I got into looking up patterns for making granny square blankets. By making granny squares (which are small objects) it will be easy to work on the blankets all year long and easy to carry the stuff around with me. It is exciting to think about colors and combinations of colors. I made one many years ago from a kit - it had everything you needed. That one was mainly black with jewel tone colors in the squares. I gave to my brother and he used it for many years on his bed at night. That was back in the days when I worked night shift at Polk and had many hours of time to kill. Crocheting and knitting was a good way to pass time - about half the ladies I worked with did it. I ranged between doing that and reading. For a while I even took a portable spinning device in to work each night and spun my own wool. For me - it is good to have things to fill my mind. Things to do with my hands.
summersgate: (eggshells)
Six of Swords. Funny that I got the six of swords again - I just got it on Monday in a different deck. Today it was the Alchemical Tarot deck that I looked at and the six of swords has a ship being blown across the sea by the wind and the 6 swords arranged in the sky like they are pushing the ship too. I had already written my affirmations for the day before I got the card. I thought it all went well together. It really must be a day where I let the wind blow me where it will. It'll probably just blow me around my room working on jewelry though...


Dec. 13th, 2016 07:42 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
Getting one's feet wet.

Here is the card that I looked at first - too much going on - so then I just narrowed in on the feet:
Queen of Cups from the Pearls of Wisdom deck.

I can relate to putting a toe in, getting one's feet wet. Wanting to make a change, try something new.

Dave did get the snow blower going yesterday and did Jules' driveway and ours, and made a path between the two houses. I shoveled the sidewalk and where the mailman would need to pull in to leave the mail. It's supposed to get much colder and the snow that is left will freeze hard into ice chunks.

I dreamed last night that I was at a mall with the kids and we had gone to a movie. It was after the movie and we were supposed to be picked up by my mom. There were 2 entrances to the mall movies though and I wasn't sure if she knew which one we would be at so we kept going back and forth through the mall to check. When I woke up I thought the fact that mom was the one picking us up was of interest. Dave and I went to Helen's funeral service yesterday. Mom and Helen had been very close all their lives. I probably wouldn't have gotten to know Helen much at all except that she was close to mom and I was taking care of mom in her last years so Helen started to take an interest in me too. I reciprocated and learned a lot about the family history though Helen. Of course going to a funeral puts you in a frame of mind about how fragile life is. I think the dream is about death coming to pick you up after the movie (life). You aren't sure when or where you will be picked up so you keep waiting and being watchful. Yesterday the priest referenced the Byrds (for some of us who might remember them) and the song, Turn! Turn! Turn! and then read from Ecclesiastes 3.

To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, a time to reap that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.

I liked the priest. He had a good way about him and seemed like someone you could talk to about anything without negative judgements. A down-to-earth kind of guy.

It is interesting that it seems the older you are when you die the less people are at your funeral. All your contemporaries are gone (or if any are still alive then they are too weak to make it to the funeral). All that is left is your kids (if you had any), and maybe a few of their kids if they haven't scattered too far away.
summersgate: (eggshells)
Six faces.

My attempt to make some kind of drawing after looking at the Haindl tarot card of the 6 of Swords. It's another one of those decks that doesn't illustrate the pips with story images - just a geometric joining of swords. But there was a suggestion of 2 faces in the upper area that I took as my starting inspiration. Here's the usual Six of Swords card:

I see a woman and her child being taken away. She regrets having to go. She is feeling unwanted. Not sure how to relate to that today. Is it Helen on her last voyage? I don't think she would feel unwanted. She was much loved. Perhaps the woman in the image is just looking down while she talks to her child beside her. Helen's son Steven preceded her in death a few years ago. I'll see it that way.

Today is the visitation for Helen and a service afterwards - I want to go. We are snowed in at the moment - I hope the driveway will be clear by then. Dave is going to try and get the snow blower going. It is a long driveway - really too much to shovel. If it came to shoveling it would take multiple tries with breaks between. I am missing my usual Monday morning hike with Candy. That has come to be my main exercise for the whole week and I think I am feeling weaker all the time since biking season is over. Shoveling would be good for me - but I don't want to!

Edit: I did get out there and shovel out the pull-in for the mailman while Dave is working to get the snowblower going. That's enough! Exercise completed for today.


Dec. 11th, 2016 09:24 am
summersgate: (eggshells)
Inspired by the Quest tarot. The Quest tarot was my very first tarot and it is one of my least liked. It is all robotic and slick and the pips aren't illustrated with stories - just geometric arrangements of cups, wands, stones and swords with a word to describe the card. So I just tried to illustrate "interference" like the word on the card said. Here is the regular version of the 8 of Swords:

I like this much better cause I am a more visual and emotional person - I like to make up my own stories or see things as a story.

So today I shall guard against feeling confined, unaware and without choices. Or being bothered by annoying interference blasting through my well-knit world.

Still snowing. Though the build up isn't that high - only about 5 inches (so far). Dave and I are going to take Andy for a walk to the creek for sure.

I made a big pot of chili yesterday but I didn't have any green peppers! I think I will get some today to add to it and fix it up. More celery and onions too. Maybe get some good bread to go with it too - or make corn bread - yeah.


Dec. 10th, 2016 06:58 am
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Inspired by the Nine of Wands from the Visconti tarot deck. I don't like tarot decks as much that don't have story illustrations for the pips. The Visconti doesn't. And I couldn't remember the illustration that is usually on the 9 of wands so I just tried to come up with words from my own thoughts today. Then I looked it up and the usual illustration for this card is an injured man holding a wand as a weapon with a row of 8 more wands like a fence behind him. It looks like he is holding his own and not ready to give up the fight even though he is weary and bandaged. So don't give up! Keep on keepin' on.

I've been thinking about things I want to do - things I don't want to forget that I want to do (someday). Regularly I make lists. The lists change slowly through time as I add new things and let go of old things. My list at this point:
make 9 by 12" ceramic mosaics
sort through the basement and throw more stuff out
enamel regularly
knit and crochet cotton washcloths in the evening
hike more with Dave and Andy
etsy a day
continue making new jewelry
cut, grind and polish stones

I didn't go out at all yesterday except to get the mail so today will be my first real day out in the snow. It looks like there are about 2 or 3 inches out there.

The services for Helen are on Monday afternoon. Seeing and reading her obituary made it much more real. Sad.

Today is the last day for Dave's deer hunting. I feel like I have weathered through another year - yay!


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