1. I have let a couple days pass without posting anything on here. In a way that feels freeing - the isolation and inner quietness feels safer.
2. Still grieving Tenzing. Wishing things had been different. I know I need to work on positive thinking. I'm reading "A Return to Love" by Marianne Williamson - trying to get a miracle. A miracle is a change in thinking - re-framing a situation without fear and seeing the love in it instead. Fear (and most any other emotion) can morph into guilt very easily for me - the fear that I haven't acted properly.
3. The harddrive in the DVR part of our satellite dish TV system is broken so we lost all the prerecorded shows I was hoping to watch someday and we can no longer pause while watching anything. It's like old fashioned live TV again. Which is a pretty drastic change after having the freedom of recorded shows for 12 years. I always say in my future perfect life I don't want to have TV at all - just watch DVD movies. I'm seeing this as a chance to make the break from TV. Yes, I could just have the repair man come and he would probably bring us a new box, no charge - it would be that simple but maybe I should take advantage of this and make the big break away from TV right now. Dave says it would be fine with him. I could hook the TV in the kitchen to a DVD player and we could watch DVD's there. I could put a radio/CD player in the kitchen too and mom and I could listen to that. She probably would like that better than the TV anyway - she really can't understand the words and talk on TV anymore and music would penetrate her mind better.
4. I have been passing the days going from gluing down collage pictures and painting 2 page spreads in my new Everything Book (#4) and then going to the kitchen and working on the income tax stuff while the paint dries in the book. Multitasking.
5. The weather has been so incredibly beautiful lately. So warm. I love summer anyway and an early spring is just fine with me.
6. I watched Melancholia. It is an amazing film. I can relate to it - maybe too much because I am a melancholic. I'm not a film critic (or book critic or any kind of critic) and can't really write coherently about films - maybe I could write how I relate to it though. But right now I feel too fragile from Tenzing's death to watch it again. I started watching it the night before Tenzing died and I think it affected my decision - made me resigned that death might be the best option. Gave me the strength (and the hopelessness) to follow through on something I had been thinking needed done for a long time. It is a very powerful film (to me).
7. Something cheerful. On Monday I went to visit Cindy R. and saw all the wonderful, colorful art she has been making lately. Here is a quilt and pillow she made:
i love these rainbow colors!
8. Watching 2 little goldfinches in the feeder by the front window right now. The males don't have their breeding plumage yet so they are a bit dull still. No matter how warm this spring is and summer-like they can't grow bright feathers any faster.
9. The robins are back - I am loving hearing their cheery-up songs in the mornings again.
10. This 10 has been difficult.