summersgate: (eggshells)
A pretty apt title for where my mind is right now. I'm obsessed with the dog issue at the moment and where will we find the right dog. It has also brought up doubts about how good of a dog owner I will be. I am not very forceful. I'm not much of an "alpha" and I have always counted on the innate kindness of the dog for them to be good to me. Though I did take Tenzing to obedience training and it was one of the best things I could have done. I do believe any dog I get now I will do the same thing and that can help me be the alpha I will need to be.

I spent time last night looking back over my LJ tag for Tenzing and it made me a little sad - I still miss him - he was truly a good little dog - strange but good. Here is a very telling photo of him in 2008 - watching over mom while she slept.



This was before we needed to get her a hospital bed and Tenzing was a fixture on her big bed with her in the daytime (he slept with us at night). He was very devoted to her and the need to "protect" her - which is where the strangeness came in - he could go a little crazy protecting people who really didn't need his protection.



Another photo that makes me miss him. Maybe I'm not ready for a new dog - I still grieve the loss of the old one, even after nearly 4 years.
summersgate: (eggshells)
pet-cemetery-4-5-15
pet cemetery

I took this photo after everybody left the burial area yesterday. It shows the cement blocks that we have used to cover all the pets that died since we came to live here in 1999. JJ the cat, AnnieCat, Butterscotch the hamster and Chloe's gerbil (can't remember it's name) - Tenzing was buried up closer to the house on the lawn. It was nice that we had so many people here to bury Oo-tapo. Jules dug the hole - Oo-tapo was originally his dad's cat. And during the time Oo-tapo lived with us Johnny and Chloe both fell in love with him. It was nice to see Chloe's fiance Mike and Johnny's girlfriend Alison hugging them as we stood around and reminisced.

pet-cemetery-self-portrait-4-5-15
my self portrait from last night

Today - sad - maybe sadder than yesterday. Yesterday I was feeling relief from what a burden Oo-tapo had become at the end but today I am just remembering and missing who he was before the very end got so messy. He truly was a very good cat - a very good "person" - kind and caring and good - nothing mean in him. Thank you all for your nice comments yesterday - they mean a lot to me and it helped to read them.

Today I walked with Candi on Oak Hill and we saw some beautiful trees. The bark was very shiny - metallic - like lightly tarnished silver. Dave says they are yellow birches.

4-6-15-yellow-birch

Today was the first day to walk in the woods without big rubber boots - felt so good to get back into regular hiking boots.
summersgate: (eggshells)
33. Name every pet you have ever had...

This won't be easy...

I think the first dog we had when I was very young was named Tippy. I don't remember him though. When I was one we got a dog named Trixy and he was very important to me. He died when I was ten. I had a pair of turtles when I was about 8 years old named Laurel and Hardy. I got a sweet collie-mix dog named Queenie when I was 10. At age 16 I got a spaniel-mix dog named Lady who lived with me through some very tumultuous years. Around age 21 my first husband Pat and I got a pretty black dog named Sugar - she had pups and they probably had names but I don't remember the names - we gave them away. Pat and I had a lot of cats but I only remember the name of one, he was crippled, Quasimodo - all those cats disappeared in a mysterious way. Then we had a yellow tabby cat named Ricky and an all black female named Cecelia. We had about 50 white mice but the only one I named was Mommy Mouse - she was the start of the 50. We also had a cat named Kitty. Later we got a Shih Tzu dog named Meeko. We got a lizard when we were in California but I can't remember it's name. We had a pretty blond puppy named Sally - she didn't live long. We had many more cats, all siblings - Flower, Graymalkin, Pierre, and 2 more I can't remember. We had lots of chickens - I would consider them pets - they all had names at the time but I don't remember most of them. We had Black Heart and King Tut the roosters. I had Dorothy a wonderful black chicken who lived till she was 8 years old. We had a dog named Pal. I got my first goat, Nanny - my beloved. And then we got Greta and Hilda. Nanny had kids that we kept named Rosie and Honey. Honey had a kid named Pee Wee that we kept. Honey was with us for a very long time. Pat and I divorced and I met Dave and inherited his pets, Miss Kitty (Puff), Matt Dillon the Labrador Retriever, Patches the cat, Rooster Cogburn (the rooster) and Midnight the black pony. Dave and I had chickens too - I wish I could remember their names - Hermione is the only name I can remember at the moment. I had a crazy mean poodle-mix dog named Teddy and Johnny had a beagle dog named BJ. We had a gold fish named FeFe that lived for a very long time and grew quite large. We got a sweet tempered mutt named Pup Dog. We had a Lhasa Apso named Tenzing - I used to write about him here - he died in 2012. We had Annie Cat, another pet I have had since I started writing on LJ. We still have Milo and Oo-tapo (a cat I inherited from first husband Pat after he died). And now we have Skye. And we have Indigo (a beta fish) and Yoshi (a bearded dragon) living with us at the moment too.
summersgate: (eggshells)
tenszing

Was looking thorough the ttv file in my laptop and came across this photo taken when Mom and Tenzing were still with us. Sweet days even if at the time they seemed so boring - I felt like I could be doing more with my life. But I did what I did and looking back it was good. Today is the anniversary of the day I had to put Tenzing to sleep 2 years ago.

There is a nice kitty hanging around outside - we have seen him on and off since last summer. I put a little dry food out whenever I see him on the windowsill looking in and he eats it - but not all of it. Because he doesn't eat all of it I assumed he had a home with one of the neighbors. We always pet him and he is very appreciative of the attention but he never tries to come inside. I hold the door open for him sometimes for quite a while but he just looks in and no more. Milo and Oo-tapo seem to like him - at least they don't dislike him - they show no reaction at all when they see him. We had another cat hanging around outside before and they hated him/her - carried on hissing and screeching at it whenever that one came in sight. So I think this kitty could integrate well with ours. During one of the worst winter storms we had recently this kitty was looking in the window and crying. I took him out some food like I usually do. But he hardly ate any and then got up on the window again to look inside. I started to talk to Dave about it and finally convinced him that the cat truly must be homeless (why on a night like this wouldn't he be in his home if he had one?) and then I went back to the door to open it and invite him in but he was gone by then. We didn't see him again for a couple days after that. Today I felt his ribs and he is actually thinner that Oo-tapo. I think this is the future - another kitty. I feel like if I was to pick him up and bring him over the threshold he would be happy to come in. He must have had a bad experience with coming through a door - maybe a person kicked him - and now he is afraid of open doors.

home

Mar. 10th, 2014 09:02 pm
summersgate: (view out my back door)
Home now. It took a while to get here though. The plane I was supposed to get on had problems. It needed the windshield fixed or replaced and finally they decided that they couldn't do it on the spot so they got us another plane. We got to Pittsburgh a little over an hour later than expected which wasn't too bad.

I miss Kathy and Pete - it is like my second home there and I fit right in but it just seems right to be back in my own climate again. I felt like I was cheating when I was in Florida. And it's nice with the time change that we are having later sunsets now - feels like spring (is coming - will come!) even though there is snow on the ground still. Over the winter I barely ever walked down to the creek - the snow was too deep and it was just too cold most days but today I really wanted to check it out. The snow is grainy and there are lots of bare ground spots showing. It felt "warm" - about 50F. I'm sure we will have cold again - it's supposed to be 0 on Wednesday but it feels like for the most part the worst might be over.

over-the-hill
looking over the top of the hill

11 more backyard and creek pics HERE )

So far I have sorted through the mail, opened my etsy shop up again, made a pile of the bills that need paid, gave Milo and Oo-tapo hugs - they seemed very glad to see me, ripped an Etta James cd and a Nick Drake cd that arrived while I was gone into the laptop and am listening to them now. The grandkids acted like I hadn't even been gone - life just picked up where it left off. Sebby suggested that we should start after-school walks again. That is great news - walking buddies again. I am planning to get to the basement tomorrow. The thoughts of that mess have ruined my serenity for long enough.

new vision

Oct. 17th, 2013 04:31 pm
summersgate: (eggshells)

I picked up my new glasses today. From the front they don't look much different from my old glasses. They have plastic sides while the old ones were all thin metal.

Karen visited today and brought her friend Sue S. I really liked Sue! A very down to earth and natural, real person. She does encaustic painting and took 2 classes with [livejournal.com profile] contthemoon. That was exciting to find out. Encaustic painting is something I would really like to do more of. Sue commissioned a pendant very much like the one I did recently called, "Honey Heart" and when I get it done I'm going to deliver it to her house so I can see her encaustic studio. Things feel like they are opening up right now for me and I am glad. Dave finished the roller cart today that we will put the big kiln on and I can move it out of my storage area so *finally* I can get on with organizing my art supplies. Maybe I really will get all this moving and organizing done someday!

Oh, and another hopeful thing. Talking to Nancy this morning about ways to get outside more and I feel myself getting more ready to get a dog again. After Tenzing I really didn't want another dog. I missed him but I didn't miss "a dog". But maybe enough time has passed that my heart can open to that too.

sunday

Mar. 17th, 2013 11:11 pm
summersgate: (eggshells)
0517-Luna-left4inch
"Luna" – sterling with carved bone face. Listing HERE

A have fallen behind miserably with my etsy-a-day goal. Better late than never though… Anyway – spent the day at my workbench making this ring and enameling some other things while listening to The Lumineers – my new favorite music.

For such a long time I had been feeling so tired - could barely make it through the day - laying down over and over but then last night it seemed like I couldn't sleep anymore. Went to bed around midnight and tossed and turned then at 2:30 got up and went into the sanctuary and watched a movie (The Perks of Being a Wallflower - pretty good) and got to sleep finally about 5:30. Woke up at 8:30 and have been going all day. Which is so different for me. Maybe things will be improving now. Today was the anniversary of Tenzing's passing last year - that was on my mind yesterday a lot. I have one more sad anniversary this month, brother John's death, and then the calender will be clear of triggering dates till September. I don't think I try to think about these things but they hover in the back of my mind anyway.
summersgate: (OPADI)


Oo-tapo has very much taken over mom's bed - sleeps with her, cuddled up to her right side every night. If Tenzing were still alive Oo-tapo would be shredded to a million pieces right now for such an infraction of his proper place in the world.
summersgate: (OPADI)

lower corner of the breakfast bar

I want to start One Photo A Day Inside again - it is good to have repetition and consistency in my life. And OPADI is fairly easy.

I dreamed this morning that I walked in to mom's room to wake her up and she was already awake, smiling, sitting up on a card table beside her bed - leaning her back against the wall. She was bright and lucid and I was so happy to see her and she me. I called Dave and he came in to see. Mom asked me to get her a cup of tea (or something from the kitchen) so I went to get it. Dave called me back with panic in his voice and I came back to see mom all contorted on the table. I hugged her and straightened her out. She said her left arm was numb and I could see she was getting blue. I knew she wouldn't want me to call the ambulance - she was having a heart attack. I said, "I love you, mom" and she said, I love you too. I love you all". I thought this was going to be the end and I said, "I'm sorry for all the times I wasn't nice to you after your mind was gone" and she said, "That's OK - we all ..." and that was all she said - end of dream. I want to remember this dream.

Jill just called and she is sick so I won't have a day off. But Dave is going to watch mom so I can get out this morning - Berdella and I are going to walk today. Better get going so I can get mom started for Dave.
summersgate: (OPADI)

lower corner of the breakfast bar

I want to start One Photo A Day Inside again - it is good to have repetition and consistency in my life. And OPADI is fairly easy.

I dreamed this morning that I walked in to mom's room to wake her up and she was already awake, smiling, sitting up on a card table beside her bed - leaning her back against the wall. She was bright and lucid and I was so happy to see her and she me. I called Dave and he came in to see. Mom asked me to get her a cup of tea (or something from the kitchen) so I went to get it. Dave called me back with panic in his voice and I came back to see mom all contorted on the table. I hugged her and straightened her out. She said her left arm was numb and I could see she was getting blue. I knew she wouldn't want me to call the ambulance - she was having a heart attack. I said, "I love you, mom" and she said, I love you too. I love you all". I thought this was going to be the end and I said, "I'm sorry for all the times I wasn't nice to you after your mind was gone" and she said, "That's OK - we all ..." and that was all she said - end of dream. I want to remember this dream.

Jill just called and she is sick so I won't have a day off. But Dave is going to watch mom so I can get out this morning - Berdella and I are going to walk today. Better get going so I can get mom started for Dave.

friday 10

Mar. 30th, 2012 11:00 am
summersgate: (Default)
1. Passing time sitting with mom while she drinks her morning hot coco. The cats have become much more brave since Tenzing is not here anymore. He chased them away (from the places he thought they did not belong) and they were in constant fear of him. Milo is a regular here in mom's room now. He is a big sweet kitty.


sleeping beside me

2. Oo-tapo is a changed kitty too - walking around in the open now; he plays, pounces at invisible things and tries to get Milo involved in playing too but Milo just yawns and walks away.

3. But (unlike the cats) I am grieving Tenzing - he thought he was an equal with the humans and the cats were under him. I miss my little buddy.

4. Ordered and just now received a photography vest - an over-vest that I can use to carry filters, extra lenses, cellphone, notebook, money, keys etc when I walk so my hands will be free and I won't have to take a bag. I look pretty darn fat and frumpy in it though! Oh well. Maybe a photo later of me modeling it...

5. Now the challenge of arranging my camera stuff in it - should be fun.

6. Berdella and I have agreed to walk once a week and I am so looking forward to it - exercise outdoors!!!!

7. We decided to get the DVR (hard-drive in the Dishnet TV) replaced (and Dave got a much better deal with the it - less than half what we paid before) so I am still grappling with that. I figured out that at the very most there are only 14.5 hours of TV that I might like to watch every week and some of those shows go into reruns so it is actually less than that. Less than 2 hours a night of TV while I am sitting with mom in the kitchen isn't too much TV (not really). I am finally learning how to control the DVR - I always had either Jules or Johnny do the programing for me before - I felt too old to learn it and techno-challenged. But I am learning!

8. I am getting more and more involved with Yoshi. When the boys go to their mom's on the weekend Sebby needs someone to feed her so I am that person. She likes me now and looks forward to me picking her up.


sebby and yoshi yesterday morning

9. A sunny day - yay!

10. Mom is done now drinking her drink - and so am I with my 10...

friday 10

Mar. 30th, 2012 11:00 am
summersgate: (Default)
1. Passing time sitting with mom while she drinks her morning hot coco. The cats have become much more brave since Tenzing is not here anymore. He chased them away (from the places he thought they did not belong) and they were in constant fear of him. Milo is a regular here in mom's room now. He is a big sweet kitty.


sleeping beside me

2. Oo-tapo is a changed kitty too - walking around in the open now; he plays, pounces at invisible things and tries to get Milo involved in playing too but Milo just yawns and walks away.

3. But (unlike the cats) I am grieving Tenzing - he thought he was an equal with the humans and the cats were under him. I miss my little buddy.

4. Ordered and just now received a photography vest - an over-vest that I can use to carry filters, extra lenses, cellphone, notebook, money, keys etc when I walk so my hands will be free and I won't have to take a bag. I look pretty darn fat and frumpy in it though! Oh well. Maybe a photo later of me modeling it...

5. Now the challenge of arranging my camera stuff in it - should be fun.

6. Berdella and I have agreed to walk once a week and I am so looking forward to it - exercise outdoors!!!!

7. We decided to get the DVR (hard-drive in the Dishnet TV) replaced (and Dave got a much better deal with the it - less than half what we paid before) so I am still grappling with that. I figured out that at the very most there are only 14.5 hours of TV that I might like to watch every week and some of those shows go into reruns so it is actually less than that. Less than 2 hours a night of TV while I am sitting with mom in the kitchen isn't too much TV (not really). I am finally learning how to control the DVR - I always had either Jules or Johnny do the programing for me before - I felt too old to learn it and techno-challenged. But I am learning!

8. I am getting more and more involved with Yoshi. When the boys go to their mom's on the weekend Sebby needs someone to feed her so I am that person. She likes me now and looks forward to me picking her up.


sebby and yoshi yesterday morning

9. A sunny day - yay!

10. Mom is done now drinking her drink - and so am I with my 10...

friday 10

Mar. 23rd, 2012 08:50 am
summersgate: (Default)
1. I have let a couple days pass without posting anything on here. In a way that feels freeing - the isolation and inner quietness feels safer.

2. Still grieving Tenzing. Wishing things had been different. I know I need to work on positive thinking. I'm reading "A Return to Love" by Marianne Williamson - trying to get a miracle. A miracle is a change in thinking - re-framing a situation without fear and seeing the love in it instead. Fear (and most any other emotion) can morph into guilt very easily for me - the fear that I haven't acted properly.

3. The harddrive in the DVR part of our satellite dish TV system is broken so we lost all the prerecorded shows I was hoping to watch someday and we can no longer pause while watching anything. It's like old fashioned live TV again. Which is a pretty drastic change after having the freedom of recorded shows for 12 years. I always say in my future perfect life I don't want to have TV at all - just watch DVD movies. I'm seeing this as a chance to make the break from TV. Yes, I could just have the repair man come and he would probably bring us a new box, no charge - it would be that simple but maybe I should take advantage of this and make the big break away from TV right now. Dave says it would be fine with him. I could hook the TV in the kitchen to a DVD player and we could watch DVD's there. I could put a radio/CD player in the kitchen too and mom and I could listen to that. She probably would like that better than the TV anyway - she really can't understand the words and talk on TV anymore and music would penetrate her mind better.

4. I have been passing the days going from gluing down collage pictures and painting 2 page spreads in my new Everything Book (#4) and then going to the kitchen and working on the income tax stuff while the paint dries in the book. Multitasking.

5. The weather has been so incredibly beautiful lately. So warm. I love summer anyway and an early spring is just fine with me.

6. I watched Melancholia. It is an amazing film. I can relate to it - maybe too much because I am a melancholic. I'm not a film critic (or book critic or any kind of critic) and can't really write coherently about films - maybe I could write how I relate to it though. But right now I feel too fragile from Tenzing's death to watch it again. I started watching it the night before Tenzing died and I think it affected my decision - made me resigned that death might be the best option. Gave me the strength (and the hopelessness) to follow through on something I had been thinking needed done for a long time. It is a very powerful film (to me).

7. Something cheerful. On Monday I went to visit Cindy R. and saw all the wonderful, colorful art she has been making lately. Here is a quilt and pillow she made:


i love these rainbow colors!

8. Watching 2 little goldfinches in the feeder by the front window right now. The males don't have their breeding plumage yet so they are a bit dull still. No matter how warm this spring is and summer-like they can't grow bright feathers any faster.

9. The robins are back - I am loving hearing their cheery-up songs in the mornings again.

10. This 10 has been difficult.

friday 10

Mar. 23rd, 2012 08:50 am
summersgate: (Default)
1. I have let a couple days pass without posting anything on here. In a way that feels freeing - the isolation and inner quietness feels safer.

2. Still grieving Tenzing. Wishing things had been different. I know I need to work on positive thinking. I'm reading "A Return to Love" by Marianne Williamson - trying to get a miracle. A miracle is a change in thinking - re-framing a situation without fear and seeing the love in it instead. Fear (and most any other emotion) can morph into guilt very easily for me - the fear that I haven't acted properly.

3. The harddrive in the DVR part of our satellite dish TV system is broken so we lost all the prerecorded shows I was hoping to watch someday and we can no longer pause while watching anything. It's like old fashioned live TV again. Which is a pretty drastic change after having the freedom of recorded shows for 12 years. I always say in my future perfect life I don't want to have TV at all - just watch DVD movies. I'm seeing this as a chance to make the break from TV. Yes, I could just have the repair man come and he would probably bring us a new box, no charge - it would be that simple but maybe I should take advantage of this and make the big break away from TV right now. Dave says it would be fine with him. I could hook the TV in the kitchen to a DVD player and we could watch DVD's there. I could put a radio/CD player in the kitchen too and mom and I could listen to that. She probably would like that better than the TV anyway - she really can't understand the words and talk on TV anymore and music would penetrate her mind better.

4. I have been passing the days going from gluing down collage pictures and painting 2 page spreads in my new Everything Book (#4) and then going to the kitchen and working on the income tax stuff while the paint dries in the book. Multitasking.

5. The weather has been so incredibly beautiful lately. So warm. I love summer anyway and an early spring is just fine with me.

6. I watched Melancholia. It is an amazing film. I can relate to it - maybe too much because I am a melancholic. I'm not a film critic (or book critic or any kind of critic) and can't really write coherently about films - maybe I could write how I relate to it though. But right now I feel too fragile from Tenzing's death to watch it again. I started watching it the night before Tenzing died and I think it affected my decision - made me resigned that death might be the best option. Gave me the strength (and the hopelessness) to follow through on something I had been thinking needed done for a long time. It is a very powerful film (to me).

7. Something cheerful. On Monday I went to visit Cindy R. and saw all the wonderful, colorful art she has been making lately. Here is a quilt and pillow she made:


i love these rainbow colors!

8. Watching 2 little goldfinches in the feeder by the front window right now. The males don't have their breeding plumage yet so they are a bit dull still. No matter how warm this spring is and summer-like they can't grow bright feathers any faster.

9. The robins are back - I am loving hearing their cheery-up songs in the mornings again.

10. This 10 has been difficult.
summersgate: (Default)
I took down all the barriers, the cardboard fences that kept him contained in his proper places. I put away the heavy plastic tub covered with a blanket and a towel that he used as a step to get up on the bed. I put away the water bowl, but not the food bowl yet. I gathered all the newspapers up from in front of the garage door and picked up the waterproof pad to wash it but did not put another one down. I took the pill bottles off the TV stand and put them in the cupboard (I should put them in the garbage – but can‘t do that yet in my mind). His body is still here, not gone yet but it is no comfort, all wrapped up in plastic and a towel, hard and cold. I miss him so much but no amount of killer guilt that I can generate can bring him back either. The house is much simpler without him. No barriers to step over, poop to watch out for, doors shut that could be open and doors open that would be better shut, no food spilled by a careless old mouth on the floor to pick up after. No more middle of the night bathroom calls and long waits at the door for him to be done outside. No more watching a weak old dog wander in circles endlessly. But I miss him, I miss him! I miss his tramping heavily around the bed and the relief of him throwing himself down against me when he found his comfortable place. I miss him moving himself forward the couple of inches he did to greet my hand when it was held out. I miss meeting his eyes. I miss the little gallop of joy he did when coming up the ramp thorough the door back into the house. I miss seeing him here and there, always somewhere. He was as much a fixture of the house as mom is. He didn’t like to go for walks anymore – had lost his sense of smell as well as his hearing and just got too tired – he liked to be at home – a homebody.

Though I can remember the young dog, the healthy dog, the puppy. The summer we got him he slept in the tent with 8 year old Johnny, Johnny’s little buddy, his protector. Walks to the lake sniffing and snuffling, his head down so far. Because of his underbite he had to tuck his head down for his nose to reach the ground. Once I took him to an outdoor craft show with me, hoping he could be one of those little companion dogs I saw traveling everywhere with their owners but he shivered and threw up with fear in the car and then defended the tent so loudly whenever he saw another dog that I had to keep him far away from it. As long as he didn’t have a tent (a home) to defend he was fine with other dogs and people. I wish he could have been a dog that we could have let loose on walks, but he had a mind of his own too much – wouldn’t come when called if outside. He had his own rules and thoughts and allegiances. He wasn’t a “one person dog” – he was his own dog. Mostly the last memories of him are just simply him being here, a steady presence. He did love to be near a person when he slept. I think when he got old finding a stationary person to sleep with, on the bed, on the couch was his idea of heaven.


dave talking on the phone in bed with tenzing and milo - taken about a week ago
summersgate: (Default)
I took down all the barriers, the cardboard fences that kept him contained in his proper places. I put away the heavy plastic tub covered with a blanket and a towel that he used as a step to get up on the bed. I put away the water bowl, but not the food bowl yet. I gathered all the newspapers up from in front of the garage door and picked up the waterproof pad to wash it but did not put another one down. I took the pill bottles off the TV stand and put them in the cupboard (I should put them in the garbage – but can‘t do that yet in my mind). His body is still here, not gone yet but it is no comfort, all wrapped up in plastic and a towel, hard and cold. I miss him so much but no amount of killer guilt that I can generate can bring him back either. The house is much simpler without him. No barriers to step over, poop to watch out for, doors shut that could be open and doors open that would be better shut, no food spilled by a careless old mouth on the floor to pick up after. No more middle of the night bathroom calls and long waits at the door for him to be done outside. No more watching a weak old dog wander in circles endlessly. But I miss him, I miss him! I miss his tramping heavily around the bed and the relief of him throwing himself down against me when he found his comfortable place. I miss him moving himself forward the couple of inches he did to greet my hand when it was held out. I miss meeting his eyes. I miss the little gallop of joy he did when coming up the ramp thorough the door back into the house. I miss seeing him here and there, always somewhere. He was as much a fixture of the house as mom is. He didn’t like to go for walks anymore – had lost his sense of smell as well as his hearing and just got too tired – he liked to be at home – a homebody.

Though I can remember the young dog, the healthy dog, the puppy. The summer we got him he slept in the tent with 8 year old Johnny, Johnny’s little buddy, his protector. Walks to the lake sniffing and snuffling, his head down so far. Because of his underbite he had to tuck his head down for his nose to reach the ground. Once I took him to an outdoor craft show with me, hoping he could be one of those little companion dogs I saw traveling everywhere with their owners but he shivered and threw up with fear in the car and then defended the tent so loudly whenever he saw another dog that I had to keep him far away from it. As long as he didn’t have a tent (a home) to defend he was fine with other dogs and people. I wish he could have been a dog that we could have let loose on walks, but he had a mind of his own too much – wouldn’t come when called if outside. He had his own rules and thoughts and allegiances. He wasn’t a “one person dog” – he was his own dog. Mostly the last memories of him are just simply him being here, a steady presence. He did love to be near a person when he slept. I think when he got old finding a stationary person to sleep with, on the bed, on the couch was his idea of heaven.


dave talking on the phone in bed with tenzing and milo - taken about a week ago
summersgate: (Default)
Thank you everyone who replied to my previous post about Tenzing. It really does make a difference to have people hear and understand. This has been a terrible day for me. Death is one thing (terrible and sad and hard) but then, to add in the fact that I have killed someone (even if it is because I love him and don't want him to suffer anymore) and it adds up to a most horrible day. Dave was out earlier with his brother Bruce (who is staying the weekend with us - and by the way is much better after the fall off the ladder 6 weeks ago - not all healed by any means but he was able to drive over here and putter around with Dave) and on the way home Dave picked up Chinese takeout. I ate a little, put mom to bed for her nap and took a nap myself. I was praying that I might be visited by Tenzing's spirit in a dream but that didn't happen. Dave said maybe he was in the kitchen with everyone else or else outside. Maybe. I was still feeling very bad, doubting myself. I know I did the right thing really but still, still how can I know for sure? There were two fortune cookies left and I said to myself, to God, give me a message - did I do the right thing? I picked one and I hope and want to believe this is Tenzing's message to me:

summersgate: (Default)
Thank you everyone who replied to my previous post about Tenzing. It really does make a difference to have people hear and understand. This has been a terrible day for me. Death is one thing (terrible and sad and hard) but then, to add in the fact that I have killed someone (even if it is because I love him and don't want him to suffer anymore) and it adds up to a most horrible day. Dave was out earlier with his brother Bruce (who is staying the weekend with us - and by the way is much better after the fall off the ladder 6 weeks ago - not all healed by any means but he was able to drive over here and putter around with Dave) and on the way home Dave picked up Chinese takeout. I ate a little, put mom to bed for her nap and took a nap myself. I was praying that I might be visited by Tenzing's spirit in a dream but that didn't happen. Dave said maybe he was in the kitchen with everyone else or else outside. Maybe. I was still feeling very bad, doubting myself. I know I did the right thing really but still, still how can I know for sure? There were two fortune cookies left and I said to myself, to God, give me a message - did I do the right thing? I picked one and I hope and want to believe this is Tenzing's message to me:

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